Walking With Him

Full-time?

2006-04-27T00:03:00.000+08:00

I've decided to work in church office everyday till the end of my holidays to help Lovleen out with the Youth Ministry. Its something that has been on my heart, a burden for the youth, but I guess it has been recently been reborn as God restored my passion once again. For a while I feel as though I've been distracted, I lost sight of what God would have me do and got caught up in less significant things. My burden has always been for the youth to leave an impact behind that will last. To avail myself for God to work through me to touch lives that will one day touch other lives, so on and so forth. Yet perhaps in the busyness of studying, tuition, driving lessons, ministry and all the other things I spend my time on, this got lost.

A few weeks ago Ps Suzanne gave a call for those who've lost their fighting spirit, I was one of them. I felt God asking me what happened to the fire in my eyes, the passion I used to have with regard to the things of God. How I would just do anything for Him, that paying the price seemed so insignificant compared to the greatness of the things He has done for me. How I didn't mind giving up other things, counting everything as rubbish compared to the greatness of knowing God. I saw the way some of the leaders went about praying for the youth during the service, and how God ministered through them. I thought to myself, that's where I want to be, what I want to be doing. Yet spiritually, probably because I've slackened a bit, it has cost me my discernment and I don't have that spiritual capacity to minister to people.

It's a refreshing change to be working in Church Office, I feel as though I'm doing something worthwhile with my time. I could be working or I could be at home slacking, but either way I don't think it compares to the value of just offering my time to God. I feel that God has given me all this time for a purpose, and if I were to just waste it working or doing something else, it will be a real pity. Because most of the guys my age that I know are serving NS, while here I am a civillian with a long 3 month break ahead of me. I really feel the need for brothers in the Youth Ministry because its kind of one that is dominated my sisters currently, like Lovleen like 3/4 of the zone leaders. I feel there is so much more that I could give, but I've been holding back, simply because I've forgotten about it. Well, I hope to be able to achieve something within this 3 months, hopefully I'll be able to give, and in the process of giving discover more of God and His plan for my life.

My results are coming out soon on the 4th of May, to me its really uncertain whether or not I can pass my exams. But I'm just trusting God to provide for me what I need. Because if its really His will for me to serve Him, I'd rather not have to study again for a re-exam, so I'm hoping to pass so I can devote my undivided attention and energy to simply serving God rather than studying. Well, its in God's hands.

What to say?

2006-03-31T13:00:00.000+08:00

I'm struggling, it just seems as though everything came crashing in all at once. I feel rather pathetic, like somehow everything just seems too big for me to handle. My studies is one, with my first Professional Exam for the degrees of M. B. B. S. coming up, somehow its just so overwhelming, the sheer volume of what I have to study, I feel as though I'm unable to digest it all. My family has been rather trying of late, I will not go into details but you can ask me personally. One of the things is that my Mum and Sis have flown off to Los Angeles for a holiday, while I'm left to run things at home and prepare for my exams alone... My dad flies on and off so sometimes he's home and sometimes he's not.

Ministry has been quite trying also, I guess when everything is placing its demands on you, you feel like there's nothing left to give or offer. But I know I have to carry on regardless, because that is my commitment and responsibility. Somehow sometimes I doubt my ability, I just seem to lack the character and discipline to do what is right. I identify with Paul in Romans about not doing the things that you should be doing and doing the very things you know you shouldn't. But I guess I can't dwell in pity any longer, there's no point in that.

I realise I have let my thoughts be uncontrolled, negative thoughts about myself, condemning and belittling myself by looking at all the areas that I'm so pitifully weak in. Hopeless thoughts as I look at the enormity of the situations facing me. I think until I lost sight of God. In Isaiah 40 it talks about they that hope in the Lord, there's the key word right there. It's all about where my hope lies, I guess the mistake I made starting out this year was that hope was placed in myself, in my talents and abilities. My expectation that I would be the one to bring about change and good things. But I guess God won't allow that sort of thing, pride is a dangerous thing to be holding on to. I feel humbled in all my situations, placed in a corner and shamefully having my weaknesses exposed. Put in the spot where I have no choice but to turn back to God. Even this I've been resisting, somehow I know the right thing to do, but I've been so reluctant in doing it. I've been running away from the issue at hand, trying to escape the pain, rather than yielding to it and allowing God to deal with me once and for all.

Right now life seems tough, I'm really fearing the worst for my exams, I even had thoughts about retaining, like maybe its not so bad after all, I'll get one more year to give to ministry. But it doesn't make sense, if I retain I lose my credibility, what right have I to talk about the things that I've been talking about like being a good testimony in studies and so on. It cannot be, I must face the problem straight on, but somehow I feel I've become less of a man, and running away has been the standard procedure thus far.

God, I really don't know how to carry on from here, I release my life into your hand, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that you hold my tomorrow. Help me to see things as you see them, I admit my perspective is painfully limited and narrow. Lord let me trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Let me discover what it is you are saying and doing through my situations. Oh God I would love to ask you to change my circumstances, but I know that you would prefer that my circumstances change me, and mould me into the man that you've been wanting to make. God help me.

No longer a teenager

2006-03-18T23:43:00.000+08:00

Those were the only thoughts I had about turning 20 last Sunday. I guess I don' t really value my birthday all that much, its just another day, nothing special. But I'd like to say thank you to all the people who remembered my birthday in one way or another, I do not take what you've done for granted.

How Serious Are You?

2006-03-10T00:44:00.000+08:00

God hit me with this question at Youth+Tertiary Service last saturday. It got me thinking, first of all what am I serious about? Then I came to the realisation that I wasn't really serious about the things that I should be serious about, like my studies, my walk with God, my ministry... My studies is obvious, I haven't really been focussed or putting in effort like I should be. Many times when I should have been studying I was doing something else, like either playing games, or the piano or something just as irrelevant. Also if I was really serious about my walk with God then my prayer life would be at least a solid 30 mins everyday, that's the target I've set for myself but so far its been on and off. I do pray everyday but not for 30 mins. Then my Bible reading, though consistent but I feel as though I don't really dig in to discover more, to go deeper to truly understand and apply it into my life. For ministry, as a cell leader if I was really serious then I wouldn't be so apathetic about my members, especially the stray ones that don't come so often. Like am I really giving my best, going all out to do all that I can for them, for my studies, for God...

I realise that I wasn't really serious at all, I was just doing things half heartedly, when I tried to think of a reason or an explanation for myself I couldn't come up with any. What reason did I have to withhold my best from God and from others? Nothing. I just didn't bother enough to make the effort. I feel as though I could do more, but because I'm wasting my time, I don't do as much as I should. Perhaps also it could be due to the fact that I may be overstretching myself, biting off much more than I can chew. Like spreading myself out too thin, but Jesus was also busy all the time yet He was never in a hurry or at a loss, because He had His priorities in order. I think mine are still a little messy.

I felt that my devotion today was fruitful, I felt close to God, just in my room, enjoying His presence. I've decided to give up XBOXing for good. Many times I make excuses for myself, I try to stop but only half-heartedly. I feel like its about as effective as throwing out an unwanted person from your room but leaving your door slightly ajar, so that person is welcome to just walk right in whenever he wants. But I have to cut it off for good, it has become a crutch, something I depend on, maybe even a god to me in someways that I worship, in the sense of it occupying my thoughts, my time. Stealing the best of my energy and focus away from God. So it has to go. I felt convicted by Galatians 5:24, it spoke to me a few days ago and I made it a point to memorise it because I felt it was quite powerful. "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." That means now that I belong to Jesus, I shouldn't be desiring these things anymore. I have to give them up. Allow God to fill the emptiness in my life rather than turning to things to satisfy me.

God help me to lead a consecrated life unto you, one that is undefiled by the things of the world, let me be truly set apart for your purposes and your glory. Amen.

Haven't written in a while

2006-02-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

I apologise for the long wait to whoever frequents this blog. I haven't been blogging for two reasons, the first is busyness, the second laziness. Well, up till now I've been busy with driving lessons in preparation for my first test last Friday at CDC at Ubi, of which I failed unfortunately. Which was quite a shock to me because I actually thought that I did quite well, I thought I passed all the way until my tester showed me my test sheet. I got assaulted with a barrage of errors till my total score added up to 36 (you need 18 or less to pass). I felt it was rather unfair, because somethings were graded rather severely for something I felt that wasn't very serious. But I heard from many people that the tester I got was like that, he gives almost everyone above 30 points, so I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I draw comfort from Job who says, shall we accept only good things from God and not trouble in response to his wife's folly in asking him to curse God and die. Although my suffering or rather disappointment is no where nearly as profound as his, I feel like I'm in a similar situation, when bad things happen to good people. Part of the disappointment came from the fact that I did all I could to pass, I practiced a lot, the actual test was quite good, I didn't stall the engine even once, yet somehow it wasn't good enough.

But I guess beyond the disappointment God has a bigger plan for it all, though I may not see it yet. I was really hoping to be able to start driving around, but sadly I'll have to wait till may to try again, even then its not confirm, hopefully I'll get a good tester this time. But it means I'll have to devote yet more time and money into trying to pass the driving test which I feel is rather ambiguous due to the subjectivity of the test criteria.

Somehow I've just been feeling drained day in day out. Like I've got no room to breathe or have space. There seem to be endless things to be done for some reason, or perhaps I'm just not managing my time properly. Whatever it is, I just look forward to two weeks from now once my CAs are over. It will not be the end of everything but at least I'll be able to have more time to study and prepare for my final exam in April. I'd like to write more, but I currently suffer from mal-inspiration. Till the next time.

Waking up is a struggle

2006-01-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

Every morning I face the battle of the blanket, whether to get out or to stay in for a little while longer. My alarm clock promptly sounds at 6.10 am, however my body clock says otherwise, somehow I think it runs a little differently, because my body simply refuses to wake up. I just groan and wish I could spend an hour or two more of blissful sleep and rest, rather than to face the rigours and routines of another day. As I think about this it puzzles me, why do I have so much trouble waking up in the morning? Is it something that hard to do? I guess perhaps its an issue of purpose, I remember during the youth camp, I had no trouble waking up as a tiring and compact the schedule was because I knew I had a job to do and I couldn't afford to just lie around in bed. For me now, with my current schedule, its packed to the brim, just take a look at my diary and you'll have a pretty good idea of how tight it is. I barely have time for myself, to just take a break or relax. But still I know it's the right thing to do because the time spent on myself is wasted. Not that my flesh is happy about it though.

Being busy has its own dangers though, I'm afraid that I'll just get so busy serving and doing things that I might forget why I started doing all those things in the first place, thus falling into disillusionment and despair. Maybe in some ways my vision is not firmly set upon God, my gaze is not steadily fixed on Jesus. Serving if not done out of a right heart can become a distraction sometimes. I guess its all a balancing act, managing first of all my own personal walk and relationship with God and also my ministry and duties. I still find it difficult to study, like I don't have much motivation, though I like what I study, it can be a little monotonous sometimes. It's amazing how the Apostle Paul can say that whether we eat or drink let us do it all for the glory of God. That is quite a feat, of which I feel I'm quite far off the mark. Many times I just want to do things for myself rather than for God. And this is where the greatest battle resides, whether we choose to follow our own fleshly desires and seek after our own comfort or to surrender our will and rights to God and let Him choose how our life is run.

God let me surrender all to you, that I may have the strength to wake up each day knowing that your mercies are new every morning and look forward to all that you have in store for me.

2006 a year of challenge

2006-01-12T12:40:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in quite a while now because I've been rather busy. And indeed I foresee 2006 being a year where I'll be stretched quite a lot. First of all there's my studies to deal with. My first professional MBBS Exam will be coming up around April. I've started to give tuition to two P5 Students, 2 hours each per week, coming up to a total of 4 hours a week. This is to earn money to pay for the mission trip that I will be participating in from my church Youth and Tertiary Ministry to the Philippines in June. The mission trip will be quite exciting and I'm looking forward to it. Yet I know it is something that I must be prepared for, if I am to be of any help there, I really don't want to go there as a dead weight and be a burden to the rest of the team. But I'm excited about what God is going to do, I believe missions are really exciting, because you start to witness first hand, God working right before your eyes, performing miracles, you get to see lives being touched by your ministry. Its something that I don't want to miss since I've been given a chance to go.

Then there is my ministry, I've now been made a training cell leader for West 2. Now that Ming Zhu (my previous cell leader) has been promoted to be the Zone Leader for the North Zone in my youth ministry. Its really a challenge because its never easy to lead, to pour your life out to your members and carry a burden for them. But I believe God wants to train me to have a heart for them, because in the administration and organisational part of leadership I'd like to think that I have no trouble, but when it comes to the relational, the softer aspect of it that's where I need a lot more practice. There's also the difficulty of balance, knowing how to be firm yet at the same time gentle, to be patient yet not tolerating procastination and all these seemingly conflicting values that you just have to find the right mix of in order to be a good leader. Not to mean that I'm not excited about this new role that I have, because I think my cell group now is really a promising one with a lot of potential to grow, and it is my desire to see each of them reach their full potential in God and in other aspects of their life, so that they can be a blessing to the church, their school and family.

Oh I've been re-elected to take charge of the Youth+Tertiary Combined Camp at the end of this year. Just when I thought the whole youth camp thing was wrapped up and over, here it comes once again for the second year running, complete with a brand new set of challenges and difficulties though not without its accompanying opportunity. For one the age range will be quite diverse possibly spanning 10 years or more, from P6 to University students. Then the usual things like finding a good place to hold the camp, working within the budget so on and so forth. But I guess I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a second go at it, that whatever mistakes I've made in the previous camp I know to avoid for this coming one and also to improve upon the level that I've achieved previously. For example spiritually, I think its not too much to ask for God to touch our ministries to see wide spread revival and fire coming back to our young people. Last year we had a bit, like pockets of it, but this year I'm praying, believing and expecting more from God. There's a price to be paid, and I'm hoping that I and the team alongside me will be daring enough to pay that price. To pray and fast and commit ourselves to seeing a powerful move of God.

The year has barely started and yet I find myself laden with so much commitment already. That's pretty much the bulk of it stated up there, but then there are other things I want to work on, like training up a new bassist for the church, Donovan. Also building on my peer relationships with various brothers in the church. This year with all the stretching I expect to see much personal growth as well, especially spiritually. I feel that last year I took a detour half way, and had to go one big round before eventually returning to God. This year I hope to be focussed, that my heart and my mind are fully set on God, that I can be as Paul described, considering everything else rubbish. I have a tendency to be distracted, to get involved in things that don't really matter. One of which is my XBOX, which for now rests safely in the hands of my Zone Leader Shu Jun, I really need to get away from it. Now and then I struggle, like there is a bit of a gap in my heart, the place where it once resided, but it shouldn't be there in the first place. Although I think I'm coping well without it.

Now also as I grow older, somehow the need for companionship and acceptance in finding a life partner seems to become more real. I'll be hitting the big 2 this year, no longer a teen anymore, although I'm not exactly very old, but neither am I a kid, and I guess physically, emotionally and mentally I'm starting to turn into an adult. Not that I'm totally prepared for a relationship, not just yet anyway, I think I'm still too unstable. Like how my feelings fluctuate rather rapidly, feeling attracted to one person for awhile, then somehow switching to another person in a short span of time, or sometimes several at once. Although my feelings are unstable my actions certainly aren't, and I'm still determined to be clear about my bounderies especially with girls, I think its unfair if I lead them on when I'm not prepared to bear the full responsibility and commitment. Perhaps I've become lax in my thoughts, allowing them to run rampant. So there was one morning after speaking with my ex-cell leader, that I just decided to forget about it. To let God take care of things in His own way and to just focus on the things that are at hand and are important. Things like my studies, my ministry and my friends. Actually if I bother to step out a little and take stock of my life, I don't think I can really afford to fork out the commitment, the time and energy needed to maintain a healthy relationship. So as of now these things will have to wait.

I guess waiting is something that nobody finds pleasant. There are times where I wrestly with God, sometimes demanding an answer from Him, and when I find He is not offering one, I'm tempted to just go on ahead without Him. I think many of us face this temptation to run ahead of God. Like, "God tell me NOW! If you don't tell me, I'll just pick celibacy and go on ahead rather than waiting here in this place of uncertainty so that I can hear an answer from you." I used to toy with the idea of Celibacy as a life decision, but I've kind of come to the conclusion that its not for me. Not at my current level, if God suddenly transforms me and burns within me a desire for Him and Him alone then things would be different. And God has assured me that He's got it covered, the person whom I am to marry. I believe God has spoken that He will provide, like at a point where I felt the need very strong one morning on the bus, He spoke to me through Psalms 128, that your wife will be like a fruitful vine . . . this is how the man who fears the Lord will be blessed. So my train of thought went something like, I think I fear the Lord, but how is my wife going to be like a fruitful vine if I'm not even married in the first place?! It was rather timely because I was following a commitment to read 3 Psalms a day, during the period from November to December, and that Psalm happened to be on the day that I was feeling lonely. So God really does speak through His word!

Anyway whatever comes this year I want to grow closer with God. Like every year I have the desire to learn to hear God's voice. And like winning a championship title, I can only achieve that in short bursts. Keeping with the same analogy, staying in that place where I am sensitive to God takes a lot of hard work and commitment. Often times our senses are dulled when we indulge in the things of the world. Even John says how can we be friends of the world and friends with God at the same time? Don't we know that friendship with the world means enmity with God? I guess it all comes together, reading the Bible, hearing from God, worsipping, praying. They come as a set, you can't have one at the expense of the other it just doesn't work that way. And of the above I think praying is the hardest because it involves the discipline of the mind. When you are not pre-occupied with anything the natural thing for the mind to do is wander, but to be able to stay focussed in prayer is a feat I've yet to achieve. I believe it comes with discipline and practice, but as of today I have yet to be truly consistent in my walk with God involving every aspect of my life.

I need to learn to surrender and to make Him Lord over everything, there is no other way. The part of me that desires to have its own way must die. A servant can only have one master and I know who my rightful master should be, yet other masters come and tempt me and woo me with all sorts of empty yet attractive promises. I'm reminded of the Snow Queen in Narnia who offers (oh no I can't remember the younger brothers name) Edwin (or whatever his name is) anything he wants in exchange for his brothers and sisters. But when he goes there in search of her, all he finds is the pain of betrayal as he lies bound in chains within a dungeon cell. I can't even begin to recall the countless times I've felt like I was in his shoes, running after some attractive thing which promises satisfaction and fulfilment only to discover more emptiness and pain. Only God has the answer, and to Him alone must I seek and bow to, in this coming year, I believe that is the greatest challenge, even serving and ministry can be a distraction.

Reflections on 2005

2005-12-28T19:22:00.000+08:00

I was just eating some ice-cream from the provision shop down the road from my house the other day. Nothing fancy, just an orange flavoured popsicle like the ones I used to enjoy from my childhood. When I looked at it, I realised I didn't recognise the brand, "Gotcha". Upon closer inspection I realised I didn't recognise any of the other brands as well. What happened to the good old ice-creams that I grew up with, brands like paddle-pop, eskimo pie... Somehow when you're a child, you can never imagine the world before you or after you. The world must have started as I entered the world, how could have there been things before me? I just don't remember them so they cannot have existed. Yet somethings that we thought to have been permanent and will remain permanent, and couldn't have imagined to be any other way sadly don't stay the same. Who'd think that in a short span of 10 years or so, so much would have changed?

Anyways, some random musings aside, 2005 has been quite an eventful year for me. First enlisting into the SAF as a recruit in BMTC School 1 Jaguar Company into Platoon 1 Section 2 Bed 3 (the numbers 123 incidentally coinciding with my birthday 12/3 or 12th March) on the 6th of January 2005 Thursday. It still remains quite clear in my memory, it seems so long ago almost like in another year, yet I remember it as though it was only a week ago. The very first sleepless night, the waking up the next morning thinking "this is how its going to be for another 2 long years" Which seemed a very long time from that vantage point.

BMT ended alot sooner than I'd thought it would, the days somehow seemed to pass by, the struggles that I had seem irrelevant and I only remember the good times, how it was so much more relaxed than OCS, though at that time I wouldn't have described my life as being relaxed. Two weeks of block leave then came my posting, and yes I made it into OCS, the place I'd aimed to go since the beginning. It was tough in OCS, I really dreaded going back to camp. There was a lot of pressure on you to perform, in your skills, in your knowledge, through the various tests and homework. The days really slowed to a crawl while I was there. While this was going on I'd received my A level results in March, while I was in BMT, and I did much better than I thought I would getting a total of 5 distinctions 4 As and an A1 for GP. I was also applying to NUS Medicine, the route to the occupation that I've always dreamed of since young. It was quite an uncertain time, I really didn't want to spend 1 and a half more years in the army as a cadet and then an officer. I wasn't entirely sure whether I'd make it into medicine, although I banked everything on it, not having a back-up plan, because by faith I took it that God wanted me to be there. And if God says yes who can say no right?

Thank God I was right, I made it into OCS and in a matter of weeks I was out of the army, free to do whatever I desired for slightly more than a month before I started my course in the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine in NUS. I came out with high expectations though not really high hopes. There were a lot of things I wanted to do. But in the end, I achieved much less than I would have liked. Somehow in army, especially in OCS, I lost my hope and my dreams and my passion for God. Life became meaningless, it was just living one day after another, it was tough living without anything to look forward to. Except maybe for disruption, freedom from the system. But once that freedom came, sadly I abused it, wasted on my flesh most of my days were spent infront of the television, throwing hours upon hours down the drain as I desperately tried to find some scraps of satisfaction from my XBOX, in the end making me more miserable than when I started. Because one game isn't enough, after completing 7 or 8 games you start to see a pattern. It just isn't enough to satisfy me. This is one of my regrets that all that time that could have been put to good use were recklessly handled and thus lost.

I started school around August, it was fun and interesting at first. Much better than being in army, well I guess most places are better than the army. But then after a while it got boring and routine. Then I had trouble waking up in the morning, I had to drag myself to school everyday. Spiritually I was still quite dry, though not as bad as before school started. I think somehow my priorities were still not quite right, I was still bent at somehow satisfying myself apart from God.

But then came the camp, and I think it put certain things in place, I play less XBOX now, I spend more time with people. Trying to serve more in the youth ministry and be like an older brother and more available to the younger ones. However I realise how easy it is to get lost in serving and forget about my relationship with God. I'm always out almost everyday, like there is no one day where I spend completely at home, this probably being the first in a long time. And I'm always shaken by this verse from Matthew 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven ... many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name... Then I will tell them 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers" Its scary because these were not pagans that Jesus were talking about. These were probably people who were well respected in the church, who may have been faithfully serving God. But the thing that they lacked was their relationship, because Jesus said "I never knew you". That is a scary thought, we may spend our whole life, doing God's work, that and nothing else. And in the end God will say "away from me" because we failed on the first and most important commandment, "love the Lord your God with all your heart"

Well I hope in the coming year, I won't be so overwhelmed with serving that I forget to spend time with God. It's so easy to fall in the Martha Syndrome, that we may even despise the "Mary"s who are around us. One thing that I've always wanted but never quite achieved was to be so sensitive to God that I can hear audibly His voice speaking to me. That my walk with God is so intimate that my ears are well tuned to his finest whispers. Such that when I pray for people, I'm not just praying anyhow, but I can really place myself in God's shoes so to speak and pray His will for that person. But I know that there is a price to pay, being Singaporean, patience is not an attribute that comes easy. I'd rather rush off and do a million and one things than to discipline myself to pray. Yet that is what is required. Sigh, I've got a long way to go to be a man of God, and there are so many other more attractive things out there, yet... in the end, that is the thing that will matter the most for eternity. God help me to make the right choices with my life and the way I spend my time.

2005-12-13T11:40:00.000+08:00

NRIC Youth Camp 05

God is AMAZING!

2005-12-13T10:46:00.000+08:00

There's no words to really describe Him. He is just beyond us, Isaiah puts in quite simply, His thoughts are higher than ours, His ways are higher than ours. We cannot even begin to comprehend him, like an ant cannot even begin to understand the ways of humans. Yet He makes Himself known to us. Slowly, patiently, bit by bit He draws us closer to Himself, He reveals His nature to us, through creation, through His word, through people.

The camp just ended last week, it was from the 5th to 8th of December 2005. NRIC (standing for Now Risen in Christ) It was quite a powerful camp for me, being the only one I attended this year, having missed the church camp because I was still in OCS at that time. Of course it was pretty hectic in the days leading to the camp, because I was the Asst. Camp Commandant and we had many many last minute arrangements and things to settle. Also I was playing for the Rally which was on the last day of the camp, so rehearsals took another toll on my time and energy. Last but not least came my exams, my first CA also on the week before the camp. It was quite a stretching time but I thank God for His marvelous strength and provision. I was expecting to fall sick or break down somehow but God brought me through it. It's was amazing that nothing went wrong during the camp, at least nothing major anyhow, we had a few minor hiccups and that was it. I'm so thankful that God decided to show up at the camp and touch the lives of the members in the youth ministry. A lot of people were ministered to, especially the youngest, the P6s many of them who received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. All of our work and our preparation would have come to naught if God hadn't come, because then it wouldn't be a youth camp anymore, it would just be a fun camp and there's no power in that.

With all these things going on, I wasn't expecting to do all that well for my exams, I mean everyone in Medicine seemed to be mugging pretty hard, while a great chunk of my time was spent in church doing stuff in preparation of the camp, in meetings, rehearsals and so on. I thought it was quite a hopeless situation because I really felt unprepared, but God is faithful, and will honour us when we decide to honour Him by putting Him first. I did much better than quite a few of my peers, many of whom I thought would easily outdo me, truly by the grace of God. There were little miracles like for Biochemistry, I decided to study Histology (the study of microscopy slides and like the finer details of cells and small stuff) which was actually quite a small topic. Well that's why I chose it because I felt too lazy to study the major chapters like all the different metabolic processes, carbohydrate, fats, proteins, nucleic acids. To my surprise, a large proportion of questions tested on histology. Thus allowing me to pass a subject which I was already prepared to fail, Biochemistry being the weakest of my three modules. For anatomy also I scored quite high 83%, much better than I expected, also putting me above average on the bell curve (the department always comes up with a graph of the results like how many people got 50%, 60%, 70 and so on...

Right from the first service I felt God move. Perhaps the busyness before the camp really was the grace of God. Allowing me to empty myself of all distractions, because I simply had no time to do anything else that would jeopardise my walk with God. So when I came to the camp I felt really empty, like I had been giving and giving, and no time to take anything back. That's when I felt God's presence begin to fill me. I started to feel my hunger and my desire ignite like a fire that bursts out of the ground after it has been hidden for a long time. I haven't really felt hungry for God in quite a while, because this year I found many things to fulfill me outside of God. So it is like junk food that destroys your appetite for good wholesome food. And similarly I never really got down to crying out for God, because I didn't feel the need as strongly as I feel now. Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit for their is the kingdom of God. Its not really so much about physical poverty as spiritual. That means within you, you really have nothing. There's nothing that you turn to for spiritual fulfillment, and when you come in that empty pathetic state, God will give you all that is in His kingdom!

I also felt quite ministered to by Pastor David Molyneux from PlanetShakers Australia. He gave me a very personal word from God. He told me various things, not all of which I'll be sharing here, but the one that spoke to me most was about my character matching my giftings. Which was actually what I told my cell leader only a week earlier, that I know that I'm some one who has been greatly blessed with many gifts and talents, yet I feel that it is not enough. No point having so much gifting if you don't have any character to support it all. You'll probably end up like Enron or any of those other big scandals because the people involved were talented thus progressing very high up the coorporate ladder yet lacking integrity causing them to fall all the way. So I really felt lousy about myself knowing that I lack the thing of utmost importance which is character. Another thing I felt speaking to me was when we were singing rain down. At this line "in your presence I am free" I began to cry because I felt that God was releasing me from my bondages and strongholds. In my mind I saw myself tied to a wall, covered in chains and shackles, beaten and bruised. The cruel iron cutting into my flesh as I was being held there agianst my will. Struggling was fruitless at best, painful at worst. I simply could not get myself out of the mess I had gotten myself into. Addiction to computer games, the lusts of the flesh, all of these were holding me trapped, preventing me from progressing further with my walk with God. Until Jesus showed up, dressed in brilliant white, He came up to me face to face. As I timidly looked into His eyes I saw not condemnation nor accusation, for I knew I was guilty and had no one to blame but myself. Yet His eyes were filled with compassion, He felt for my pain and agony. He lifted one hand to touch my chains and they all fell off effortlessly. I was free! Then He said "follow me". I truly felt free, like these things no longer have any hold in my life. That's where I committed myself never to turn back to computer games or other worldly entertainment to fulfill me, I wanted to have God fill me again. So that I can be sensitive to Him and His voice, that when I so desire I can hear Him speaking into my situation instead of having different images and fleshly desires clouding my mind. And that when I pray, I can be so in line with God's will that my prayers will always hit the mark instead of flying off wildly all over the shop.

However the challenge comes not during the camp but with how you spend your time after the camp. Consistency and perseverance is not needed in the camp, because the circumstances are ideal, you are separate from your old life at home, you're surrounded with godly people and have a constant input of godly stuff. Most people survive one week, maybe a month at the level they reached during the camp, but then quickly fall back to their old ways. This time I'm hoping and trusting God that it will be different, because I've been changed. That how I spend my time, my priorities will be set properly in order. That pleasing and serving God must be my greatest desire followed next by meeting the needs of other people. I feel that God is preparing me to do something much greater for Him, and if I fall out now, it'll probably be another long 40 years like the Israelites in the desert, having to go one big round because I failed to enter into God's promise. I guess this is it, now or never. Make or break. God I'm coming with you.

2005-11-24T20:50:00.000+08:00

Same sky from a different angle

2005-11-24T20:49:00.000+08:00

More sky photos

2005-11-24T20:46:00.000+08:00

Waterfall on the way up Cameron highlands

2005-11-24T20:43:00.000+08:00

Tea plantations blanketing the rolling hills of Cameron Highlands

2005-11-24T20:32:00.000+08:00

Taken off the plane on my way back from Bangkok, God's work of art.

Struggle Vs. Comfort

2005-11-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

Pain, to most of us its quite a horrible word, something unpleasant in the least or excrutiating at its worst. Its something that we'd like to avoid preferably, just have a nice cosy existance devoid of struggle or suffering. Previously I saw pain as the anti-thesis of pleasure, makes sense right, how can you be happy if you're in pain, unless your a masochist, which very few of us are. But recently in this book I'd been reading titled, "Where is God when it hurts?" by Phillip Yancey, he quoted another man as saying that he's come to realise that pain and pleasure come together, instead of being on two ends of a spectrum. I think he is quite right, the examples quoted were like that of childbirth, the joy of a new life entering the world could not have happened unless the mother endured 9 months of hard labour. Likewise, pleasure cannot exist without the initial pain. I've come to realise the real cause for my lack of satisfaction these past few months. I always thought that something was missing, but I never thought that it would be pain or suffering. Indeed my life has become rather comfortable. I have a nice bed to sleep in everynight as opposed to the possibilty of going without proper shelter while we are out field while in the army. School is totally unregimented, nobody really bothers you about your behaviour, everything runs smoothly, perhaps too smoothly.

Hence I had been trying to obtain the prize without first paying the cost, only suffering brings about true pleasure, like that of winning a race, it takes months of agonizing training, and the race itself is a test of endurance and will as you push each muscle to its limit, you feel the strain, yet at the end of it all, there is a tremendous sense of achievement as you come in first, and later receive your medal as recognition of your struggle. Furthermore, I think God didn't really put us on earth to enjoy its pleasures, I mean if He wanted us to be happy all the time then we'd be in heaven already. Not that He doesn't desire our happiness. But there is something that is of far greater value and that is our character. C.S. Lewis called the earth "the vale of soul-making", where soul-making is the training of our character our values, inner strength so on and so forth. If we are all really here to have a good time, then why all the suffering in the world?

So I come to the conclusion that the reason why we are here is for character building. In that case character must lie on the top of a very high mountain, because there is no easy path to reach it. Building character is always an uphill struggle. So if things are going too easy for you, chances are you are headed downhill towards compromise, and going one step closer to giving the flesh and sin full reign in your mortal body. That can only lead to despair and finally destruction as it is clearly stated in the Bible. Sow to your Spirit and you reap life, but sow to your flesh and reap destruction. I think for too long I had been taking the easy way out, not really pushing myself very hard or allowing myself to be stretched. Just allowing myself to get comfortable. But comfort is probably the biggest enemy to growth because growth includes struggle. And struggling no matter which form it takes is always uncomfortable. As such, I have descended a little into the valley of compromise rather than ascending the mountain of character. There are only two options, in all situations we are always given a choice, to do the right thing or not to. With each choice, it determines the direction in which we travel, whether up or down. Compromise always takes us lower.

Now I've come to see surrender as a blessing from God. When I first came out of army, I found it very hard to surrender to God, because in army you have no time to yourself, you just follow orders day after day. You don't choose when to eat, or sleep, or shower, or go home. You are constantly at the mercy of your superiors. Simply put, if they are not happy, you are not happy. But God isn't like that at all, but somehow I got away with the idea, that perhaps I know better with regards to managing my time. But now, 5 months later I realise that thought was rubbish. If we have our own way all the time, we are only headed towards trouble, as I've experienced, stagnancy, aimlessness, sometimes despair. When I could have been enjoying the bliss of surrender. God really knows best, although many a time we might think otherwise, but its true. We are only so limited in our capacity, we don't know what happens tomorrow, and we can't even change yesterday. We are only limited to one second at a time whereas God is infinite and not bound by time, he already knows the end from the beginning, each day has been recorded in His book, long before we even set foot on earth. So now, I'm working towards surrender again because there is simply no other way. God gave me this image of an altar, and I saw myself living there, sleeping on the altar, walking about on it doing my everyday things. I realised that is how we should be living, a living sacrifice, keeping ourselves on the altar, and not lying there when we are discouraged, then when things get better we just move elsewhere.

I realise that God is sovereign, like even though these past few months felt rather meaningless, as though I've just wasted my time. But its quite the opposite, I believe God was using the time to show me the futility of my supposed "human wisdom" that as much as I'd like or as hard as I try, I cannot live my life apart from God, if I desire to lead a joyful and fulfilling life. That is the power of God, He can transform something seemingly ordinary and useless into something that can be used to turn my life around. I think I just need to start focussing on character, no more milling around the valley of compromise. And probably the most important aspect of my character is in faithfulness and consistency. Just holding true to the basics of my relationship with God. Praying, Reading the Bible, spending time seeking His face and His will rather than my own. It all starts from there, no point trying to do great things for God if you have no substance or character within you. Its like trying to build a house on the sand, its bound to collapse because there is no foundation nothing strong to hold it up. Likewise we need character to support our life, or else our lives will fall apart for the lack of character. Just look at all the big scandals, and how the parties involved have had their lives ruined because of it. Being famous or successful in the eyes of the world doesn't alter the fact that we need character in our life.

I think I just need to start living out, sometimes I feel I've said enough, or maybe said too much, but there's nothing showing up in my life, it just remains as empty talk. What's the point then? God help me be the man you want me to be, one who is ready and willing to carry out your purposes.

When things go horribly wrong...

2005-11-02T18:31:00.000+08:00

Things have been unpleasant of late, not really going the way I want to. For example my notebook is completely unserviceable at the moment. For some reason it gets me very frustrated, first the internet stopped working, as in it will be ok for a while, then some programme pops up an error message under the command prompt of windows and then poof, my internet connection is unusable. Ok, nevermind, quite irritated but I guess I'll just do the fool proof method of reformatting it. Then half-way through the windows installation process something goes wrong and I can't install windows, I tried several times, each time taking like half an hour but I can't seem to fix it. So now my note-book is practically useless, and I have to bring it all the way down to Henderson Road to get it fixed.

These past few days have been quite stretching for me also. Because I'm currently in the planning committee for the Youth Camp from the 5th to the 8th of Dec at the end of this year. And I'm also playing the bass guitar for our Rally concert held on the 8th of Dec. So there are a lot of meetings and rehearsals I have to attend, on top of the already heavy commitments I have attending church services and cell group and all. Not only that but my exams are also at the end of this month from the 29th to 30th November. Not a very good combination to have...

But I guess its all good still, cos we are called to rejoice whenever we face trials and difficulty as it produces perseverance and maturity in us. Perhaps its also God's way of showing me that perhaps I've gotten a little too attached to my notebook than is ideal. After all I have been praying for me to return to God and for Him to become the number one priority in my life. I spoke to my good friend Gordon, my room mate in sec 4. He told me that whenever he feels he's drifting away from God. He asks God to do whatever it takes to turn his life around, 40 years in the desert whatever it takes to stop his life from being empty and the prophecies from going unfulfilled. I think thats really powerful, many times I want to come back but I'm not doing anything to make effort to come back. I think prayer is a really good way, it really takes guts to pray like that.

Many times I overlook the cost of being a follower of Christ. Like how David said he'll never bring an offering to God that costs him nothing. Often, I try and get the most done with the least amount of effort, I mean its bad enough if you do that to your friends but to do that to God?! It sounds unthinkable yet sadly how easily we tend to treat God that way. We pray 5 minutes then expect God to do wonders, of course we must have faith and believe, and God will carry us through, but doesn't mean that there is no price to be paid. Jesus Himself said, "And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:27. Jesus didn't say "aiyah its ok, come let me carry your cross, you take it easy and ride on this donkey okay?" Jesus talked about the strait and narrow way that leads to life, and broad and easy is the way to destruction. So if life is easy going and plain sailing for you, its high time you check which direction you are heading.

Things may look bad, as in woah, if I want to be a Christian that means I have to suffer ah? Yes, yes and yes. Jesus did say in this world you will have trouble, take note of the will. He didn't say if, He said will that means troubles, difficulties are inevitable. So life would be pretty bleak if He left it at that. But He finished off with take heart I have overcome the world! There is hope, in Jesus we can have the victory. Even though it seems we are terribly outnumbered, and there is no chance that we'll make it through, some how we will because God is on our side, (if we choose to be on God's side)

Promotion

2005-10-29T00:26:00.000+08:00

I've just been made a training leader in my church Harvester A/G, its like one step before becoming a cell leader. Strangely I'm not estactic or anything as I thought I would have been, had this occured a month or two earlier. Actually its quite different now, because becoming a leader has always been my desire since I left Bethel A/G (my previous church) where I served as a leader for two years. So I really looked forward to getting back into ministry, but somehow God in His divine purpose delayed that process all the way until now. It has been a very humbling time inbetween and also a period of training and growth for me. I now realise that it is easy to do things when you have people watching you, like if you are given a big appointment as the ic for an event. However if you contrast that with doing some small, unnoticed task in the background, away from the limelight, with no recognition whatsoever, i'd say the latter is the tougher of the two. Its always easy to perform when people are watching but it is when no one is watching you that the real challenge comes. I feel i've failed miserably in this respect of maintaining my commitment and my fervency while I'm behind the scenes. I took it as an opportunity to slack off rather than to see how i can better serve God in other ways besides leadership.

Anyways the reason why I'm not that excited about leadership is because it doesn't mean the same thing to me as it used to. I think i mentioned in the previous post that I had been caught up with the external things, like appearances, or post/ranks. And I realise the futility of such pursuits. That ultimately these must give way to the internal which is far more important, our individual walk with God. It is a non-negotiable that cannot be substituted with anything else, it is very easy to pull off the form, by pretending on the outside, anyone can do it. But displaying the power that is the tough part, and that can only come about when we are in alignment with God's will and purposes, which comes about from the dying to self and coming alive in the spirit. I thank God for the opportunity to serve as a leader once again, yet it is my prayer that I do not use my post as a mask, to use it to cover up my weaknesses or short comings.

I met up with Jian Zhong today, I felt it was a very fruitful meeting. He talked to me about how God had placed a burden within him for his ten JC friends and how slowly one-by-one they have been coming know the Lord which is really fantastic. He also shared with me how he nearly died while falling off his bike onto a dangerous stretch of road around Changi. And in that short few seconds how his life and memories seemed to flash through his mind. It made me think about the way i lead my life, how complacent i can be sometimes. That God clearly states His command, "GO and make disciples of all nations, preach the gospel to all creation" Yet how often we take His last words on earth so lightly, focussing on the nicer points of the faith, like love and grace. I feel like I haven't really been making that my priority and I feel quite ashamed that I haven't really put in my 100% in seeing my friends get saved. God help me to have that same passion that you had for humanity even as you hung on the cross, paying the price for all of our sin. Let me see the urgency even in the signs, the hurricanes, and pestilence, that signal your impending return and not take the time I have for granted.

One Step at a time

2005-10-17T17:09:00.000+08:00

For a long while, I've been feeling dry, lost, distant from God. Having the form, but without the power. Existing from day to day but not really living. It's tiresome to say the least, living without knowing what you are living for. I've tried doing things to fulfill me, turning to entertainment but it lasts only a little while, and after that it doesn't help anymore, it just takes my time without giving me anything in return. Then I realise that God is the answer He always is, and He has all the answers anyway.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much wrong with me that I don't even know where to begin putting things right. I guess in that case, I'd better start from the beginning, my quiet time. My devotional life has been inconsistent at best... More often than not it seems like a chore or a ritual that i should be doing rather than the outflow of a living relationship. So in that respect I guess I'm not really a Christian because I'm not living as how Christ would want me to. After being in church for so long, its easy to play church, do the right things and avoid your leader's attention and so on. But you can't hide the truth from yourself neither can you hide it from God.

So I've decided to take action. Nothing glamorous, or exciting, but to just work on that fundemental aspect of our spiritual walk, which would be to start walking. I guess it would be tough picking up the pieces, but I can't stay here any longer, neither do i want to. For quite some time, I've been looking for something fantastic or dramatic, how suddenly in a service God is going to "touch me" and everything becomes alright. I guess that is possible, no reason why God can't. But I think it's up to me, to just concentrate on walking with God. A lot of things can interrupt this, sometimes as a good a thing as ministry or friends can detract us from our true mission and purpose which is simply to love our God as commanded by Jesus.

God has been reminding me of His calling, the dream that I had several months back about God moving in a service, and people being ministered to so strongly that everywhere people were on their backs or on their knees just weeping before God. And I was there, laying my hands on people. Many times I expect God to suddenly bring me back to the place I was before, but if I spent so long sliding down, its definitely going to take time to come back. Now I will just focus on the one thing of importance, which is to walk with God daily. To do the things that He wants me to do on the way, thus bit by bit, being brought from glory to glory and increasing likeness to Jesus Christ our King.

Doubt your doubts, Believe your beliefs

2005-10-04T22:24:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't been blogging for some time. Perhaps its because i like to abide by the principle of saying nothing if i've got nothing good to say. In the time that has lapsed i went for a brief 5day4night holiday to the "Truly Asian" peninsula to the north with my family. We visited Cameron Highlands and KL. The weather up there was quite nice, cooling and all. But the drive up and down was far from pleasant, though worth it nonetheless. Did some shopping in KL, visited Sunway Lagoon which was quite dismal really, i was expecting more. Two of the major rides were closed, actually only one was closed, the other simply ceased to exist. I wanted to ride this thing called the Tomahawk where you go 360 degrees in a vertical circle, but it was closed for maintenance. The other one the Viking Ship was torn to pieces, I could see bits of it lying around, pity really. Outlived its time it must have. The nice thing about holidays is that it lets you get away from everything for a while, problem is when you get back everything is still there the way you left it, problems and all included.

That aside, I just spoke with Jeremy Foo over the phone, it was he who gave me those awe inspiring words that form the title for this post. So simple yet profound, its something i tend to miss. I think lately i've allowed alot of doubt to creep in to my mind. Doubts such as: "Am i really cut out to do great things for God?" "Maybe God has forgotten about me..." I haven't been able to hear God for so long. I really miss the times in JC where i cared about little else other than God. Perhaps that has been the reason behind my aimlessness and purposeless. I've been feeling lost for quite sometime now. Like i don't really know what I'm doing and why i'm doing it. I just live one day at a time, with nothing in particular to look forward to. Quite a pathetic life really.

Also I have lost out on a lot of the discipline and determination that i once used to have. Of late i've been doing a lot of things on impulse and by feeling more than because I should be doing them. Like when i don't feel like studying i simply don't study. Or if I feel like playing, I just do it. But there is no freedom in that. Because your feelings, your desires never get satisfied, no matter how hard you work to try to please them you never succeed because they are insatiable. As such I've decided to work to put my life in order again, did some things I haven't done in awhile like going for a run. Actually pulling my books out to study for a while after dinner. Played the guitar in worship and wrote another song, a short and simple but personal song to God. I won't post the lyrics here, but if you want to hear it you can always ask me, I made a recording of it with my MP3 player (comes in quite handy for things like that :)

I guess I'll just have to learn to hold on to the things I believe, that God has a purpose and a plan for me despite the sad state of affairs things are in now. Its not paticularly bad, in fact things outwardly seem fine, like I have quite a lot of free time and life is not very difficult, but i just don't seem to have anything to live for, I don't know what I am living for which makes things tough. I guess its true that when revelation is absent, people cast off restraint. I've lost my vision my goal my dreams, I've let the cruel face of reality become more real than the intangible and the unseen things which are eternal. Now its just about finding back that discipline in seeking God, spending time reading the Word and in prayer. I'll take some small steps, hopefully God will take bigger steps toward me than those I make toward Him.

Meaningless

2005-09-06T20:19:00.000+08:00

Everything's meaningless, so the wisest man in the world concluded after all his years of experience. Had a feeling of emptiness today as I was in the train today, reflecting about my life, after I die, will what I do still matter? The games on the Xbox will not, the money that I earn I won't be able to take with me, same as my possesions, my grades, all the accolades and various things I attain will cease to have any significance... I come to the conclusion that I came to in December 2003, while I was on a mission trip to China. The only things in this world that truly matter are the things that you do for God, their significance will last through eternity. That's when I decided I wanted to live my whole life for God, in service to the Almighty, be it missions or what have you, just say the word and I'll do it Lord! But along the way, I got a little distracted by some worldly things, which I thought would satisfy me. However after all the time that I've spent, I feel cheated, what has my hours in front of the Xbox done for me? Not much I must admit. Precious time that could have been spent doing productive things, reading books, building relationships or maybe just resting. Instead I'd been staring into a screen for hours on end, like a zombie.

I thought that I could find something to fulfil me apart for God, no need for all that seemingly endless waiting and perservering in prayer and reading the word. I'll just find a shortcut to pleasure. But it's just a cheap substitute, something the devil is extremely good at, producing things that seem better than the original on the outside but fails miserably to deliver when you actually buy it. That's what sin is like, at first it looks good, pleasing and desirable, yet when you bite into it, it leaves a horrible aftertaste, like biting into a rotten apple. I guess sin is pleasurable, I mean if it wasn't who would want to sin? BUT the cost is way too great. Sometimes we think of God as a cosmic kill-joy, setting up irritating rules so we'd miss out on all the fun that the world's having. Making us look so square and all. But I guess He's right and He does know better, although we hate to admit it. That's the essence of sin, thinking we know better than God, having more knowledge than "The Omniscient". Sin is destructive, after the temporary thrill is over, it leaves nothing good in its wake, somehow instead of your desires being fulfilled you find them stronger, though its wrong you crave for more.

How can I be free from sin? Take me to the cross of Jesus, one of my favourite songs. I guess there's no cure, we're sinful from birth and we will continue to be sinful even until death, unless death can be considered a cure. That's why Jesus had to die, that's why we need God's grace and mercy everyday. Thankfully they are "new every morning" as written by the Psalmist. Which is a great thing for us sinners. God help me to fix my eyes on you and you alone, let me hide your word in my heart that i will not sin against you.

You were there

2005-08-22T21:06:00.000+08:00

Here's a song I wrote today, haven't written in a long time, here it goes:

Christ lives in me

Now I'm set free

From all my sin and shame

Now I can see again

How could I have been so blind

Cos You were there all along

Even though I didn't know

I was never alone

You were there beside me

As I walked through the valley

I should have known that

You'll be there all the way

You were there beside me
Watching me quietly
I should have known that
You'll be there all the way

P.S. I know the formatting looks kinda weird but I couldn't paragraph it for some reason, stupid blogger...

Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine

2005-08-22T20:36:00.000+08:00

That's what Med Fac is now called officially. I haven't written in a while, but I'm now into my 3rd week of University already. I feel life has gotten better from all the slacking that I'd been doing before school started. At least there's some structure to kind of organise my life. Also I get to meet new people in Medicine, its quite interesting because, Medicine is one of only 3 courses in NUS where you'll be together with the same people through out the course, the others being Law and Dentistry. In addition to that, all your class mates will become your future colleagues, so pretty much the people you'll be seeing your whole life. As a doctor, according the Dean of Medicine Prof John Wong, you can't work alone, you'll be needing your "network", doctors from other disciplines to help you in your work. So that's that.

I guess, what Jeremy Foo likes to tell me is quite true, "the idle mind is the Devil's workshop". It's not in the tough and difficult circumstances that I find it hard to seek God. It's in those periods which are too relaxed that you feel everything is fine and you have no need for God, which is a blatant lie. I think my life lay in shambles after NS and that super long break. Swinging drastically from one extreme of being too busy and the other of having too much time. All that I had previously built up for myself I seemed to have lost. Various disciplines like reading the Word of God, prayer, worship, looks like I have to start rebuilding my "walls" again like the Israelites in the times of Nehemiah.

I went for a run today again. I ran last Monday I think, the first time in a long time, so I've decided to bring in some sort of exercise regime and try and keep in shape. Be a good steward of the body and health that God has so graciously given. During the run I was thinking about God, about how I know I should obey but many times I've chosen not to. Rather than pursuing the things of God, I had been pursuing my own fleshly desires which was wrong. I have quenched the influence of the Holy Spirit in my life by my own fleshly living. I went through some material in my follow-up with Xue Ming on Sunday about loving God, that to love Him means to obey. Perhaps I needed to hear it as much or maybe even more than he did. There is no such thing as partial obedience. We either obey God or we don't. Even 95% obedience is still considered disobedience. Many times we think we can get away with bargaining with God over what we do and we don't but God doesn't bargain. God has been trying to tell me this over and over again during these past few weeks, i guess I was just too stubborn to listen.

Often times, we set our own goals and agendas, without even bothering to spare a moment to think about God wants. We think that just because we achieve our goals, we are getting somewhere. But our great schemes and goals that we so avidly pursue, could mean pathetically little in the eyes of God. Rather than chasing after success, or whatever it is we pursue, we need to be humble and obedient, both of which I think I've failed. I believe there's still quite a lot of pride in me. Until we understand that there's nothing good about us, God cannot use us. Sometimes I've thought myself to be somebody, and I was just waiting for people to acknowledge me, rather than being a servant, and serve selflessly out of a pure heart as Jesus did. Sometimes, I felt "too good" for the work assigned to me, but that is the evil that flows out of the wickedness and deceitfulness of my heart.

Now rather, than trying to do something or being somebody for God i think i should just try and focus on obeying Him. And no matter how menial the task, to work at it with all my strength as to unto the Lord and not unto men.

Blown Away

2005-08-05T16:31:00.000+08:00

I was in Yamaha at Plaza Sing yesterday. There was this really pro bassist trying out a bass. He was amazing, running lines, slapping like nobody's business. I spoke to him and he told me he playedin a band at Wala Wala, some bar or something in holland V. When you meet up with someone who is so muchbetter than you, you feel a mix of awe and also a very lousy feeling about yourself. Like I'm a worm, I'mnothing compared to this guy. I guess that is what happens when we meet up with God too. Like Isaiah, I am a man of unclean lips. We often have some self-righteousness about ourself, like we think just becausewe go to church, read the bible, pray, then we are somewhere there. But it only takes one glimpse of God's glory to show us that all we have are filty rags, and only God is Holy. Just a thought...

Make way for the King

2005-07-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

I know that all this while I haven't really been living fully for God, everytime I come across a verse about surrender or holiness I'll kind of skirt it. But you can never run away from God. He's everywhere. I feel like the Prodical son, leaving his father's house to have fun in the world but ending up in the pig sty. Earthly things just don't satisfy, I feel as though life is so meaningless, eat, sleep, play Xbox. Then the cycle repeats itself, but rather than being happier I get more miserable. Because it is all empty, life is meaningless without God.

Its amazing that God just lifted me out of my valley so suddenly, just today I was going my own way as usual but my cell leader (Ming Zhu) arranged to meet me in the evening to pray and to try and find a solution to this. Even as we began to pray I felt the Holy Spirit stirring in my heart that yes you have to come back. Because with God there is no line of neutrality you are either for God or you are not. I find the words of James particularly applicable: "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." James 4:4. All this time my life had been so full of unimportant things that there was no room for God. None of us likes to have left overs, yet so many times what we have to give God is what is left from what all the other commitments have given. And before God can come in, there has to be space, not leftover space from whatever junk that is inside but the whole heart ready for Him. "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me." Revelations 3:20.

I felt something that i hadn't felt in a long time. A desire to be serious with God. During this period I had to drag myself to come for church, cell group or any other thing, because I felt it was quite pointless. Which is true because all these activities are meaningless if God is absent. Several people have commented that I don't sound as alive as I used to. That somehow I've lost the passion that I used to have and I agree, I just don't have the energy that I used to have. That's because I haven't been drawing from the living waters of Christ. Only God is the true life giver, because He came to give us life and life more abundantly. I know that God has called me to something great, but during this time, it just seems so impossible, how can God use somebody like me? But God's timing is perfect. I've often wondered when this dryness will end, but as suddenly as it came its gone. God has a purpose for everything, often times we struggle to comprehend what God is doing, but I believe that the only thing we can do is trust because His ways are higher than ours. I guess I had to experience the emptiness of the world before I can fully appreciate God once again. "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."John 6:68

I know that I'm not perfect, but I want to start my uni term afresh, in step with the Holy Spirit. That somehow God will pour His power through me into the various aspects of my life. That I might be a testimony for HIM. That means that some things have to change, for a start I think I'll take apart my Xbox, its too much of a distraction, that once I'm in my room, I don't think of anything else. Which is bad because most of my devotions were done in my room, it was the place where I sought God but instead it had become a place of gratification. I look forward to spending quality time with God like I used to. Oh if anyone really wants an Xbox for loan just leave a post, I think I can do without it for a while.

Atrophy

2005-07-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

Thats what happens when you got too much time and nothing to do... All this while I've been looking forward to this break but now that its here I think it's kind of a waste. I spent most of my time rotting away at home, either in front of the computer or mashing buttons away on my XBox. I wanted to do so many things like meet up people and all. But it's not all that great cos while you are so free everyone else is busy... sigh... Anyways school is starting soon. Not entirely sure that I'm looking forward to it. I kind of got into the habit of slacking away. Don't know whether I'll be able to pick up the pace again. Heh.. Guess I don't have a choice.

Well on the other hand, this might be my last real opportunity to slack so if you look at it that way, it's time well spent in an alternative perspective. I've always clung on to Proverbs 3:5-6, its one of the first few verses that I actually memorised and it happens to be one of my favourite. Now that I've trusted in the Lord, my path is really very straight. 5 years of studies, then 5 years of being bonded to the government. (At least the remainding 1.5 years of my NS liability is within the 5 year bond so lucky me, I don't have to serve extra). Very straight indeed, TEN whole years laid out before me with no where else to turn. Hmm.. thank you God, at least it'll be ten years before I make my next major decision about where to head in life in terms of career that is.

I wonder where I'll be in ten years, who my friends will be... What will my character be like, the house I live in, what ministry I'll be serving in, what my past times will be, gosh will I be married? Maybe even with children!? hmm... I can only guess, only God knows, my future is in His hands.

On the road to recovery

2005-07-15T23:18:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I really felt God near, and speaking to me. Not much of a surprise since I haven't really been reading my Bible. All this while I think I've withdrawn myself from God and from people. Just got quite tired of everything, so I guess I was selfish with my time and energy. Keeping it to myself rather than giving to God or to people, hence effectively flouting both of the greatest commandments which are to love God and to love your neighbour. The cell lesson for this week was on loving people. And it made me realise that I didn't really love them, or if I did I wasn't doing anything about it, cos I don't bother to call or even message my friends. Just living for myself, trying to have fun on my own without having to spend time with people.

I felt God renewing my hope, because these few weeks I have felt quite hopeless, in my family situation and in my struggle with sin. Perhaps because I was only looking at myself, I didn't learn to look within or upwards and to know who I have within me. That God was there all along but I chose not to acknowledge Him. So on my own, all my problems just seem too big for me to handle. Life also seemed quite meaningless just passing through day after day, trying to find someway to satisfy my desires which are insatiable. The wants will never end, and worldly pleasures will never full satisfy. I guess I've known this from before and the fact hasn't changed since...

I just came back from Medicamp today and it was quite fun and all with the games and everything. But I wasn't really into it, felt kind of bored at times, felt I could better enjoy myself at home alone with my Xbox or something. But on the way back I spoke with one of my seniors and he was telling me about the other seniors that one of them is a very good guy, a devout Christian and very dependable like you can go to him with all your problems. I think that sounds very Christ like, something which I should be working towards but have been slacking off in that area. Which kind of reminded me of the mission that all Christians share, that of reaching the world for Christ. I felt a sense of purpose again, that God has placed me in NUS for a reason, and there are so many people that I can reach if only I make an effort. Usually when people want me to go down to participate in some activity I'm not too enthusiastic about it because I'd rather do my own thing, but if I never ever participate or get involved with people how am I ever going to reach them? I think I should make it a point to actually get to know people so I can win them for Christ.

Now I feel as though God is lifting me out of the valley. The time for chastisement seems to be drawing to a close, now I hope to walk closer with Him and abide by His will

Passion AC

2005-07-02T09:47:00.000+08:00

I attended this event back in ACJC my alma mater, it was like a Christian Rally sort of thing, with worship then a speaker and an altar call at the end. I didn't really know what to expect but I just went for it. There were quite a number of people there who were students and also plenty of alumni were back to join in. The worship was very good, the team put in a lot of effort, they played very well together. The speaker was not bad. But I think the best thing about the whole service was the atmosphere, the fact that there were so many people, all from different churches and denominations even, all coming together in unity to celebrate God. To lift up His name as a school and to declare Him Lord. It was just amazing, this was what I and a group of like-minded Christians had been praying for. That God will do a new work within ACJC. That we don't just want to be known as a fun/party school, or a materialistic school, JC that is good at sports/academics, but a JC where God is. I see that our prayers are slowly being brought to realisation.

I went down for the altar call, perhaps it is due to the emptiness within me, feels like I'm spiritually bankrupt. On the outside, things couldn't be better, I got a place in a highly contested course in University. I come from a good family, just out of OCS, got an entire month ahead of me to slack or do whatever I want. But yet I'm not satisfied, because I seem to have lost something along the way, my passion for God. My hunger and desire for Him seems to be quelled somehow. And one thing that the speaker mentioned was from Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." But the key was to seek Him with ALL your heart. Meaning that you can't seek anything else, God has to be not just the number 1 priority but the only priority. An entire life's pursuit jsut focussed on oen goal. I must say my life is pretty far from that now. There are plenty of things that have snatched my attention and desire. It's so easy to get distracted in this fast-paced society that we are living. We have the media, in its myriad forms always trying to grab our attention or people also though important but sometimes we can misplace the 1st and 2nd most important commandments, loving people first instead of God first.

All this while I think I've been rather self-sufficient just so full of myself. Thinking how much of a contribution I'll make once I'm out of the army. But looking back I think that's just pride. Because it really isn't about me rather what God will do through me instead. I had forgotten about that. I was so sure of my capabilities that I had overlooked my shortcomings and thought that I have no need of God. But I am sinful, and just like the old song goes, how can I be free from sin? Only by the blood of Jesus. Now with this one month break that I have, I should set right myself, put my heart in order before I pursue other things. Because after all God looks not on the outward. And it would be disastrous to set out in serving God if my heart is not even in the right place.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
-Matthew 6:33

2005-06-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

Gordon and Me in the Ceremonial Hall in the 2nd week of OCS

Battlefield Mind

2005-06-27T20:23:00.000+08:00

I just went back to Bethel A/G yesterday, the church that I grew up in and attended faithfully till end 2003 when I left for Harvester A/G. Its nice to be back there again, "a place where everyone knows your name" a song i heard once and pretty much sums up how i feel about Bethel. Its like going home in some ways, seeing people who are like family to you. Anyway aside from all the catching up, the message was very good. It was about guarding your thoughts, an area in which I've been lacking in lately. Since I went into Army, I think I've been indulging myself on bookouts, giving the excuse that its to compensate for being deprived in camp. However no matter whatever the situation gluttony is still sin, and no matter what we go through it doesn't justify gratifying the desires of our flesh.

The irony is that as we are being trained to fight out in the field, I've been losing my ability to fight up in my mind, letting ungodly thoughts have free reign. Quite unlike the standard of taking every thought captive to the Lordship of Christ. I think this is one of the biggest reason for my relationship with God going dry. Because there is sin in the way, and I am unwilling to give it up. Its so hard to just come before God and trust Him for forgiveness and to cleanse you of your sins, humbling in fact. There is nothing you can do about your sin, except maybe add to it, only God can remove it.

Now I think I should make up my mind to "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." which is Paul's advice to Timothy in 2 Tim 2:22. So I guess I'll try to live for God, to turn around my wayward heart and commit it solely to God alone. I'm looking forward to having my own personal revival in my own heart, where God can become so real, the relationship vibrant once again. God help me.

Goodbye Ah Sierra Wing...

2005-06-23T14:46:00.000+08:00

Now that I've come to the end of my stay in Sierra Wing and OCS, I feel kind of sad to leave. Although tough I must say its been rather enriching experience and has done a lot for me in the way of self-discovery, in knowing my strengths and weaknesses and how to better make use of them. Its a whole way of life that I'm leaving behind. Everyone is like posted out to different places to continue their training as officers to be while I'm taking a totally different path from all of them, returning to the Civillian World. The 14 weeks seem to have just flown by, I can still remember vividly the first day I stepped into OCS, putting on my 1 white bar and lanyard... all the way till earning my 3rd white bar, getting to know my fellow section and platoon, then eventually wing mates. Part of the 23km route march went around the entire SAFTI compound which was the same route we took for the casevac, which I could still remember like it was yesterday. I've come so far since then. The Senior Bar Presentation Ceremony at the top of Elephant Hill was quite nice. Its like the climax of all that we've been through. You have a feeling of achievement and fulfillment as you march on proudly wearing the senior bar for the first time, having the instructors smiling and cheering you on. As we came back into SAFTI the juniors were there welcoming us back, I saw Shaun Goh, haha didn't know he was in OCS and Wai Chit also. Its like coming full circle, because once I was a junior receiving my seniors back too. Back at wing line, the store men and other perm staff received us with a welcome shower literally, they hosed us down from the boots washing point as we marched back into our parade square. It really was a great way to end off 14 weeks of suffering and hardwork.

Somehow the whole reality of it hasn't really hit me yet. The fact that I'm finally out of the army, a free man (until I finish University that it is). I keep feeling as though I'll have to book in or there's still some army stuff somewhere that I've forgotten about and have to get down to doing. I guess it'll take a while for me to get back to civillian life again. Locking my room door, relieving myself in the toilet, walking out to Carpark I, all for the last time yet it doesn't seem so. Perhaps my vision has narrowed, life being so tough that the best way to make it through is to just take one day at a time and not look to far ahead lest you feel discouraged that there's still so much to do. I think around halfway through my course I stopped looking ahead because everytime I do, I feel tired already thinking about all the strenuous things up ahead. But its real, its here, a total break for a bit more than a month, and if I'm not careful it'll just slip past me yielding nothing. So I'd best be careful about the way I spend my time.

Getting the best section was very rewarding also, our section really gelled together with the common aim in mind. Helping each other revised before tests and encouraging each other to do well during SOC or IPPT. I really treasure the friends I made there because we've been through so much together, digging trenches through the night, or walking on endlessly around Tekong doing navigation. Shedding plenty of blood, sweat and tears along the way on our course to be Officers. To my section mates, Thank You for sharing your lives with me: (left to right on picture)
front row: Diana (determination), Fang Yuan (my buddy) and Ain (aka pikachu)
middle row: Hilman (aka Garang), Cyrus (aka Handsome), Wei Khoon (AHM runner), Steven (Logistics congrats)
back row: Bakar (Wing Best, good on you dude), Wen Guang (hmm... what to say)
and of course not to forgot my dear instructor LTA Lin Hong Qi (Confident) standing on the Right.

2005-06-23T14:39:00.000+08:00

Platoon 1 Section 1 the Best Section

Ow! I got a plank in my eye

2005-06-23T13:21:00.000+08:00

"4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:4-5

I realise its so easy to spot the faults and shortcomings of people and to criticise rather than to offer help. Its much harder to spot your own mistakes and take responsibility and ownership over them. Like in camp, when someone starts talking bad about other people its so easy to add oil to the fire and put in your 2 cents worth about why you don't like so and so. Rather than to stop people talking about others behind their back. I guess I'm not all that great after all, because yesterday in my Platoon Commander (PC) Interview my PC was going over my performance with me. He told me that on the whole i fared pretty well except my peer appraisal was quite poor. My PC was quite surprised at the result, so was I, because I thought I got along with the rest quite well. My determination was ranked highly, preferred friend and performance average, but responsibility and attitude were poor. He said that perhaps it could be due to my confidence that sometimes I appear over-confident and thus turn people off. Also it doesn't help that sometimes I can be tactless when dealing with people, although I don't really mean to hurt because most of the times I say things out of jest, but perhaps people take things the wrong way, and its my fault for not making myself more clear.

Perhaps people thought I have a poor attitude because I'm disrupting, so I can't really be bothered too much about all the stuff that we are learning which is quite true I suppose. I find it hard to do something that I don't believe in. Furthermore, it has got not much practical application for me, to be learning about platoon tactics when I'm going to be a Medical Officer. I'm rather ashamed of my result, but I guess its a learning experience. As a Christian I don't mind if people think badly of me, but it reflects poorly on my faith and the God that lives within me. I guess being in the army so long, I've forgotten about what it is to be Christ-like, I've stopped trying to be like Jesus, even living for God. Rather than trying to please people or God, I've been living to please myself, taking the easiest way out and looking out for my own interests rather than those of other people. If I see something that needs to be done, I'd rather feign ignorance and let someone else take care of it unless I'm asked to do it. That's the selfishness that is within me.

Also after spending about half a year in the army. I've become very independent which is good because now I can wash my own clothes and look after myself. But the downside that its hard to be child-like and dependent on God and really ask and commit everything in prayer. Because you feel you can survive on your own. This is the struggle I now face, to go back to having a simple faith, rather than trying to work everything out by yourself.

I realise that I've become rather introspective, looking always within. Reflection is good, but I think in excess like anything else it becomes unhealthy. I don't always talk very much inside camp, usually I keep to myself and just think things through, perhaps too much. I guess this is another way that my peer appraisal was affected. Anyway, I've fallen into the trap of religion, doing things like reading the Bible and praying to try and make myself feel better, rather than doing it to get closer to God. Sounds quite contradictory but the subtle difference counts for a lot. We often try and lead holy lives as an end in themselves, rather than living to please God. We live to be holy so we don't have to depend on God for salvation, we don't always have to repent so we can feel good. However this is not the way it should be. Atonement, sanctification, these are the works of the Holy Spirit within us. Our job is simply to love God with all of our heart and everything. Something that will take practice I guess. So practise away fellow Christian brothers and sisters.

I'm Back!

2005-06-18T22:36:00.000+08:00

I haven't booked out for the past two weeks due to my 5-day platoon field camp and live firing over last weekend. Its nice to be finally out again, but I just feel weird, like I don't really know how to live in the civillian world anymore after spending so much time in the Army. I realised that I have changed. I've become numb and insensitive, like there isn't much I look forward to because I realise that any priviledges or rewards they give us are taken away as easily as they came. We were told we were allowed to book out on Wednesday for a nights out but it was cancelled due to a survey popping out of no where. Right now even though my disruption is confirmed on the 27th of June 2005, I don't really feel very much, neither happy nor sad just nothing, numb. I guess I've been desensitized by the expendability of luxury and enjoyment, I just dare not look forward to anything less it be suddenly taken away. I feel rather detached, from the church, from my family, from the way I used to be.

Spiritually its been a status quo, or perhaps a slight decline. I don't feel as though I've grown much, just doing all that I can to keep my head above water. And being in the army, a totally secular environment, its just so hard to be separate and know that you belong to a different Kingdom, with different standards and values. You just get subtly influenced by their values, very worldly and ungodly. Like the things that they pursue, girls, material possessions, status, etc... I don't have much of renewing my mind anymore, rather I'm slowly conforming to this world rather than being apart from it. Its really hard to be a Christian in the Army when everyone around you thinks and acts differently and wonder why you don't do the same. God's way is often really the strait and narrow, going against the tide of public opinion.

I think it'll take some time before I sort myself out and pick myself up again. I'm rather behind on my devotions. I don't spend as much time with God as I used to and my desire for Him has decreased quite drastically. I find it hard to be simple and child-like before God because OCS has taught me just the opposite, to be strong and independent, perhaps building up the pride of being officers. I think God really has to break me again because its easy to feel self-sufficient and not in need of God when everything is going well and you're being paid well. The love of money is the root of all evil, whoever can be entrusted with worldly riches will be given their share of heavenly or real riches.

I've always wanted to serve in the Youth take up a more active role, of late I've been questioning my motive for doing so. Is it because I genuinely want to serve God and am assured of His calling to me which lies in the Youth? or perhaps it is significance and recognition that I seek, that its the fastest way to gain prominence amongst the youth, be someone that they admire and look up to. This is my flesh more than anything else at work without a doubt. God help me, just give me clean hands and a pure heart. Learn to forego worldly pleasures in patience of the final reward. I'm like falling asleep already after spending a good part of my day entertaining guests in my home. I didn't sleep well last night, I think I'm no longer used to my bed, anyway there's church tomorrow. So this will be it for now.

Pre-Field Camp

2005-06-04T10:13:00.000+08:00

Sigh, its just two more days to our Platoon Field Camp which is like the climax of the whole Service Term of OCS. It is somewhat of a summary exercise for all that we have learnt for the past 11 weeks, navigation, fire and movement, section drills and finally moving around as a platoon. We'll be conducting an attack and defence mission, which I feel quite tired already being briefed about it. Somehow I'm not really looking forward to going outfield, because there is always fatigue, and its not a nice feeling to be constantly low on energy and deprived of comfort, luxury and most importantly rest. War is really a terrible thing, I haven't even been there but considering how bad training already is war must be much worse. Unfortunately the biblical future forecast isn't all clear blue skies. There should be plenty of wars to come, culminating in the Apocalypse, wonder when that will be... Only God knows I guess.

My latest intel reports have more or less confirmed that my disruption date will probably be somewhere around the end of June, meaning I'll be missing the church camp, and I'll be stuck for 2.5 more weeks. Its not that bad really, only the Field Camp is the killer after that the programme seems quite enjoyable, Close Combat Training, Swims, Games like basketball and soccer. Social night. I finally found a date, haha thanks to my very helpful and willing cousin Valerie Tock. Its quite lame, but everybody has to (it is imperative) bring a date. I couldn't think of who to ask, so I thought I'd save myself, and everyone else the trouble. I haven't gotten any updates as to whether celibacy or not, but I guess I'll just sit around and wait till God tells me more. I guess I'm still young, so I don't really have to bother with such issues, just enjoy my single-hood to the fullest, because if I do get married, I won't be single for the rest of my life(hopefully). And I'll never again get to experience such freedom, no responsibility, no commitment, free to serve and allow God to mold me without another person getting in the way.
I'm rather uninspired at the moment, so I guess I'll end off with a list of the top 5 things I want to do when I finally do get to disrupt:

1. Get back to serving in the Youth Ministry, (ready with bass in hand)
2. Spend more time at home, like just stone, read or something. Cos all the way since secondary school I've been super busy, never really just spending time at home, perhaps I'll give it a try.
3. While I'm home I want to learn to cook, always been wanting to but somehow never got around to doing it.
4. Meet up with old friends, your social life really suffers in NS.
5. Go on HOLIDAY! Haven't been away in a while, think I'll just tag along with my Dad for one of his flights and just use the free first class ticket ;)

An Officer in My Army

2005-05-29T16:22:00.000+08:00

That's the words of God I felt spoken to me during Sunday Service 2 weeks ago. It gave me a new vision and purpose being in OCS. Í'm not just training for the sake for Singapore but for God as well. That all the skills I learn here will not be limited in usefulness to just my NS liability, but throughout the rest of my life as I serve my God and King. That after all He is the Lord of Hosts, and mighty in battle. On retrospect the army has taught me quite a lot of things. Discipline, as much as I dislike it, it has given my life more structure. I woke up at 5.30 am this morning for example, not that I wanted to but it just happened... I don't procastinate because it has stopped being a habit. You simply cannot afford to do so in OCS, its now or never literally. Time (nor your instructors) waits for no man. The schedule is so hectic that if you fail to do something you'll have a lot of trouble and difficulty doing it later on because there'll be more things to do as time passes. I think I've become tougher, more decisive, better prepared to take on stressful situations. Now that I'm disrupting, I really want to go back and be part of the action. There's a lot of things I've been waiting to do, like start playing in the worship team again, perhaps learn drums, move on into leadership maybe in the Youth. There will finally be time again, I'll have space to play around and manage my own schedule unlike in the army, where your poor schedule is ripped from your possesion and thrown at the mercy of the Training Branch.. ugh... No offence to the kind fellas there though, they have their own job to do. Guess I won't have to wait very much longer, although I have no idea when I can disrupt. NUS replied me that they have given the list of Medicine students to MINDEF and they will work things out. So I guess there's no cause for worry, it will be sooner or later and definitely before I start my school term on the 1st August.

Apropos (a funky word which the Architect uses in the Matrix: Reloaded meaning while we're on this topic, haha lame but I read it in the dictionary while doing my extra duty last Wednesday) disrupting really changes my whole perspective of my time in OCS. Its like when your days on earth is numbered and you'll be going to heaven soon. Seriously civillian life seems like heaven. Small irritations don't bug you so much any more because you know it'll be only a matter of weeks before its all over. I guess in the same way life on earth is temporary. While we go through all the pain, trials and tribulations that are part of being human, one day we will share in God's glory and reign with Him through eternity. Sometimes we are so encapsulated within all the struggles that we forget that we have a glorious hope to look forward to, something beyond this world and truly more wonderful than anything we can imagine. All our desires satisfied, being in bliss for eternity, now that's a thought.

I think I'm starting to be more worldly and materialistic. There's always this great temptation to indulge in the pleasures of gratifying the desires of my flesh... through FOOD. When you finally get away from the cookhouse (not that the food is bad, but just... repetitive) the outside world seems like your banquet table! Food in all its glory, variety and flavour. I guess it could be due to the secular environment, there's hardly an opportunity for Christian fellowship, but always in the company of the non-believers you start to become like them. I just procured an MP3 player from Creative yesterday at the Creative Sale. The Zen NEEON. It was kind of pricey but I just bought it anyway, cos it appealed to me. Its not really a necessity, kind of a half necessity because I don't have an MP3 player, but 5GB is quite excessive. I feel as though I've lost my simplicity of just trusting in God to take care of all my needs. Now that I'm financially independent I have to start budgeting and watching my expenditure more carefully. I remember before NS I wanted to give all my money into Missions or the Building Fund, but now my giving is far less than that... Worldy cares suddenly become so real. "Take no thought for your life, what you will eat or what you will wear" the very words of Jesus, quite hard for us to take I believe. That's why you have to come before God as a child, simply trusting. Because children are dependent, they know how to rely on their parents and thus God. For me I've started becoming very independent from God, wanting to do things on my own, having my own spending power now. Its tough...

My chest is still not recovered yet. I feel kind of bad being on light duties for so long, I just went to the MO for the third time for my chest. And got my third dose of "5 day light duties" status. If people didn't know any better they would accuse me of "chao keng". And it's really tough for me because I hate this feeling of helplessness. My chest is not strong enough for me to do even 1 push-up. A sharp pain just rushes through and I have to stop or risk injuring the muscle more. I'm someone that likes to do something all the way or not do it at all. So now in OCS, I'm there but I have to sit out most of the strenuous stuff like route marches or endurance runs, which I kind of get a kick out of pushing myself. Now that I have difficulty passing SOC its tough because I can't do anything about it but wait to recover. If I was unfit I could train. If my technique for clearing obstacles was poor I could practice. But there's nothing you can do to speed your recovery other than not doing anything to hamper your body's efforts. I guess I have to learn to know my limits, when you're young and youthful, having boundless energy you feel invincible like you can take on anything. But now I've been brought back to earth, I'm not invulnerable, I can get injured so I should jolly well learn to take good care of myself because no one can do it for me. It's quite embarrassing sitting out from all the activities because I appear to be slacking while everyone else is suffering. I want to be involved but if I do so I'll only injure myself more. The most important thing now is recovery, all the other things can wait. It seems to be getting better though, I managed to get across the parallel bars at the Stadium, perhaps I'll give the next SOC a go and try to clear it once and for all.

Medicine

2005-05-21T14:53:00.000+08:00

Praise God I've been accepted by NUS to study Medicine. I got word that the results were out online, so I called home to ask my parents to help me check. Unfortunately they couldn't quite figure out how to do it. I was really kept in suspense, that's where all the worry and unfounded fears started to pour in. I guess its our nature to be wary and suspicious, until I messaged Marc and he checked for me, he told me I got accepted around 10pm. Thank God I finally got news or else I don't think I would have been able to sleep last night. I just got the letter from NUS today as well. God is really faithful and true to His word, even though I was afraid I might not stand a chance He is the one who truly directs our steps as much as we'd like to think we have control over our life. God is truly sovereign and I believe that even if we tried to screw up our lives, His grace and mercy will slowly bring us to repentance, kind of like how Jonah tried to run away from God's will but was brought around the hard way eventually to the task he was originally called to do.

This week has been a relatively relaxing one compared to the two-three weeks before. Most of our days were spent in the training shed either learning about demolitions (the art of blowing things up) or the GPMG (General Purpose Machine Gun). There was a lot more free time, perhaps because I'm on Light Duties due to my injury last week. I fell from the parallel bars, i think overstretching my chest muscles in the process so now i can't really do much, push-ups and most other physical activity causes my chest to hurt quite sharply so its like I've been taken out of action. Perhaps by God's grace that He has done so. I've seen the Doctor in camp twice this week already, and its unlikely to recover that fast due to the nature of the injury. So I think I'll be on light duties and pain-killers for quite some time...

At first I was afraid because if I don't recover I won't be able to pass the Standard Obstacle Course which is a veto factor in OCS, meaning if I don't pass I'll be kicked out of the course. But now that I've been accepted into Medicine, it doesn't really matter anymore because I should be disrupting soon. My morale is a lot higher now that I know I've been given a place in NUS. This whole time of being in NS is kind of like a tunnel or a valley. You can't see very much and you're constantly facing a lot of problems and difficulties in a very short span of time. Every day looks more or less like the day before it and sometimes you just lose track of time even of who you are. Because all you are expected to do is conformed, so sometimes you are just not sure of your identity anymore, you don't even have time to think of larger issues you are just pressed with daily tasks and activities. But this news is like seeing the first few rays of light signalling the increasing proximity to the end of the tunnel. Two weeks before, there was no end in sight and you just carry on, struggling, just taking things one day at a time or at worst one step at a time like when I had to do navigation on Pulau Tekong when each day we covered more than 12km in the blistering heat of more than 33 degrees Celsius.

I can't wait to get back into action in church again, all this while I've been feeling rather cut off, not attending Cell Group, Youth Services, Prayer meetings, and missing quite a number of Sunday services. I haven't played the bass in a band since last year's Thanksgiving service, close to 5 months now. But I guess all this while God has been training me just like what He told me in my dream during the 3rd or 4th week of OCS. I dreamt of an altar call during a church service where God was just moving and people were crying uncontrollably as God dealt with them individually. I was there, and as I laid hands on people they would just cry as God ministered. When I woke up I really felt an ache in my heart. Because I've been taken out of God's family so to speak, no longer can i be as close to the body of Christ as I'd like to be. It's been so long since I last ministered to somebody's need. But in the midst of that pain, God spoke to me and I just felt Him telling me so clearly that "God prepares the man He uses". So I believe God wants to use me, but before that He has to put me through some tough times to whip me up into shape. Its been at least 5 weeks since then, but I can still remember vividly that morning when I had the dream. I felt like crying in gratitude but it was kind of inappropriate because I was then the Cadet Wing Sergeant Major. In the dream, the person I laid hands on was my Grandmother, which I believe is God's way of saying that this generation, my generation will be the key to reaching the older generation. That as parents the 30, 40 somethings, seeing not just a passing phase but a genuine and real change in their children that they too will come to know the true and living God. I believe God is slowly working out His marvelous plan, I just have to wait upon Him and let Him lead and guide me through the vicissitudes of life on this Earth. No doubt there'll be plenty more obstacles, challenges and difficulties I have yet to face up to, but I also know that He'll be with me even to the end of this age and He has already overcome this world. I am more than a conqueror in Christ!

My bet with God

2005-05-15T16:56:00.000+08:00

This week was pretty normal i guess, busy as usual. I've been thinking about Celibacy these past few weeks since we discussed it during LTS in church. This is not the first time I've come across the topic, way back in Sec 4 I first thought about it when I was caught by this unusual verse in
1 Corinthians 7 : "37But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better."

I was quite amused that Paul would actually say that it is better for a man not to marry. And as I read more into it I found other verses in support of this unconventional way of life.

Matthew 19:12 "For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage [ Or have made themselves eunuchs] because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

1 Cor 7:29-35
29What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

So I gather for myself that Celibacy is seriously under-rated. After all if you're serious about serving God, this would be a good way to devote yourself entirely, even though its not a very popular path. Somehow I think I am deviant by nature, I never liked following the crowd and like to do things to distinguish myself to walk the path less travelled by. I thought perhaps God may be calling me to Celibacy, after all I don't really feel the need to be involved in a relationship at the moment. It seems to be more of a hassle than anything else, giving of your time and energy to something that may not always turn out the way you want. And eventually might bring you more heartache and sorrow than joy. It is too big a decision for me to take on at the moment, so I'm still praying and seeking God as to the route that He wishes me to traverse.

That's where I thought I'd lay a fleece, like what Gideon did. I signed up for the seminar "Secrets to True Romance". It was on a Saturday afternoon after my book out. Which means that there is a chance that i may make it and a chance that i may not. So the terms I lay for God were that if I missed it for whatever reason, I would take it as a confirmation that Celibacy is my way. If not then I guess I'm normal and do not have the special grace from God to remain single to serve. The way God engineered my circumstances reinforced my belief that He was speaking yesterday.

Initially our training schedule didn't have much for us on Saturday since we were ahead of the schedule. So we would be able to book out quite early, maybe around 12 or 1. Unfortunately while returning my rifle to the armoury I discovered a part was missing, the gas regulator for those who know what that is. I had SOC that very morning and realised that it must have dropped out while I was running the obstacles that morning. My immediate reaction was fear, when it comes to arms or ammunition the army is very tough and strict with punishment. It might go as far as Detention Barracks, and the thought of Joseph in a prison ran through my mind. Perhaps God had something radically different from what I previously thought planned for me? Anyway I thought that rather than finding someway to cover up, I'll just report straight to my Instructor and bear whatever consequences that come my way. He activated my whole platoon of 20+ people to go out and comb the entire area for that part. By then it was quite late like past 12pm in the afternoon and the seminar was slated to start at 2pm, considering our area cleaning and inspection were yet to be done. Thank God we managed to find the thing by His marvelous grace, it was a really scary situation to be in but I'm grateful that He delivered me from a potential sticky situation. After everything I booked out around 2.40 and managed to reach the seminar at 3.10pm, thanks to a friend of mine who kindly offered a lift all the way there. I didn't really miss much and caught most of the seminar. So somehow inspite of all the hoo ha, I still attended the seminar. Its like God is going all out to make sure I get the message...

Right now at the cross roads I'm still trusting in God, having yet to receive a reply from NUS as to whether I can study Medicine. I've done both the essay and interview which I didn't think I did too badly at. So now all I can do is wait to hear what they have to say. I believe that this is the path God is leading me and I'm trusting Him to make my way clear before me.

Fatigue

2005-05-08T13:54:00.000+08:00

I never really understood the word as well as I've come to understand it in OCS. Life is really tough, people always said that OCS was tough, I never really could comprehend it, and you can't actually unless you experience it yourself as I have come to understand. The hectic schedules, the never ending list of things that require your time and attention but the incredibly limited time you have to do them. You barely have time to complete all the things you need to do, not to mention your own personal things like showering and doing your laundry. You have to rush through everything, meals, showering, packing your field pack, moving from point to point. You don't have enough time to rest, sleep or even gather your thoughts. Sometimes I find it very pointless, what for? After all that rushing when you finally get everything done, you wait for a long time for the next thing to happen before the rushing begins again.

This week was especially bad for me. As soon as I booked in on Monday the rushing started, we were told to prepare our map for the map reading test the next day last minute. And to make things worse I discovered that I had left my Bible and Inhaler at home, two very important things. The rushing spills over to your book out because you don't have much time, and you need your book out to do the things that you should be doing in camp. You hardly have time to yourself because you rarely have time to be in your room doing your own things. Most of the time you'll be out at lessons, or outfield or training or doing whatever stupid thing that the army requires like field pack inspections. The thing I hate most about rushing is you're likely to forget something important along the way which would cost you major inconvenience later on, so i seldom rest easy, because there is so many things to bear in mind all at once.

Yesterday was like one of the worst days you could have. We woke up at 5.00am because we had Section Live Firing, its like training to Fire and move together as a section. We moved out quite early as soon as we had breakfast and drew our arms. We didn't end till around 11.15pm at night. By the time we packed up everything and got back to camp it was like 12.15pm. We were then made to clean our arms, but its impossible to clean the rifle because no matter how much you clean it always seems to be dirty. So at about 2.30pm we were told to send our arms back to the armory, after everything it was 3.30am before we had a chance to sleep. Our reveille the next day was 6.30am. So we could book out around 8.40am before booking in later at 8.00pm. Life is just so busy that it is hard to think about anything else, i forgot it was mother's day today actually and I find it very hard to sense God's presence amidst all the rushing.

However i thank God that i was able to make it in time for the service today. I felt ministered to as I felt God assuring me that He understands completely all that I go through. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother and I realised that all through the week He has been quietly by my side without me even knowing. I believe God is always speaking, just that we aren't always ready to hear Him. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me, though many times i feel quite alone in my struggles but He'll always be there for me to call upon for help, indeed He is our very present help in times of need. Right now i feel quite cut off from church, i have attended maybe 2 or 3 cell groups this entire year, and i've missed maybe half of Sunday services. When i do get to book out i don't always get a chance to spend time with my cell. So spiritually i find it very draining, its like one long struggle on my own. But I also believe that God is preparing me for something greater. It is in this place that a lot of my ugliness is exposed and subsequently filed away. A slow and painful but necessary process. I believe I'm in the desert now between Egypt and the Promise Land. God wants me to take me to my destiny, but its not an easy route to take, and a lot of things have to die before I can fully enter in to God's plan and purpose for my life. I've told a lot of people that I'm now in the fire, and my impurities are being burned away.

Its tough. Just like being in a desert, you walk and walk but seem to go nowhere, cos everything looks the same, I don't feel as if I've progressed, in fact I feel worse off than before. Because for the first time in a long while my Quiet Time has been painfully irregular. And the thing worse than not being able to attend services and cell group is that i have no outlet to serve in the conventional sense. I can't play the bass or listen to people's problems and give godly advice or any of the other things I used to depend on for a sense of self worth. So in a way God is peeling away all the peripherals until its just Him and me. And I am no longer a musician or a core group member but just me, naked before my maker, with my flaws slowly being exposed one by one. Like selfishness, I would never have described myself as being selfish before I entered NS, but lately it seems to have been growing on me. Like when people ask for help, and I have the capacity to help, but i feel so overwhelmed by all the things i myself have to do that i feel very reluctant to stretch out and help whoever is in need. I know this is very un-Christlike because if someone asks us to walk one mile we should walk two but its really a big struggle.

One thing I've learnt is that I should be more grateful. Often in camp I don't really find myself thanking God very often because I just feel so negative about everything. Because your time is really in their hands, if they so choose they can just keep you back and burn your week end just like that. And seldom is there anything you can do about it. I'm always worried that I'll make some silly mistake and have to give up my week end just for that. So worried in fact that i often feel very low morale in camp, and rather than focussing on the good things that I've been given or provided with, I look at the unpleasant circumstances and think how it was better in the past. Which is not unlike what the Israelites are used to doing in the desert always thinking about Egypt. Well, it looks like I'll have to let go of my past and just press on through the desert. After all its only a season and won't last forever. Eventually I'll reach where God wants me to be, so in the mean time I guess God will be training my perseverance and patience.

Casevac

2005-04-09T10:18:00.000+08:00

Casevac is short for (Casualty Evacuation), its a word that is seldom received warmly in the army, because it means carrying or literally dragging someone from one point to another. In this case we had to do it on the last day of our 2 day Leadership Field Camp. It was the finale of the whole event. Over the 2 days we learnt to navigate through the hilly terrain of a certain part of Singapore, the location of which I'm not allowed to disclose. But the views were absolutely fantastic. Climbing the hills are really tough, the incline can be 45 degrees or more at times. Once you reach the top it really is all worth it. I've never imagined that there are such places, sometimes you feel like you happened upon one of the Lord of the Rings sets because there is no civillisation except for in the distant background. Across the straits you can see Malaysia and the rolling hills into the horizon. It's mostly green all around except for the brown of the dirt tracks criss crossing the landscape. Utterly breathtaking. This taught me a lesson, because in the days leading up to the field camp I had been mulling over the fact that I'm stuck in camp, not because I want to be there but I don't have a choice. And there were so many things waiting for me outside of camp but I can't do what I want. However I realise that if you're stuck in a situation like that, its best if you just stop thinking about what you are missing, rather focus on all that you stand to gain, in this case was the magnificent view and the experience. I guess this goes for most unpleasant situations in life, there's always something to be taken away from it.

We had a total of four exercises during the camp before the casevac. 3 of them involved navigation, 2 at night and 1 during the day. So naturally there was a lot of walking to be done, which was quite tiring considering I was carrying the cumbersome signal set, which had a constant droning buzz that drives you absolutely insane. By the time we finished all that on the second day. We were waiting at the training shed for what was next. Our morale wasn't very high because all the instructors told us that the camp will be a tough one, possibly the toughest in the whole of Service Term. So all of us knew the worst was yet to come. They told us that the camp was 2 days and 2 nights, that we'd return to camp on the morning of the 3rd day. But our sources told us that they brought in 9 stretchers (for 9 sections). It was quite obvious then.

When the time finally came, we were instructed to go out in Full Battle Order (FBO) comprising of Helmet, Webbing, Field Pack and Rifle. That alone is pretty heavy, maybe about 15kg plus. They picked a girl to be our casualty so her stuff had to be spread out amongst the rest of us, I was assigned the field pack so I put that on as well. She was strapped in to the stretcher and off we went. At first it was quite ok, we carried at the waist level. It was tiring but I felt it was still quite bearable, we walked about 2km back to our Wing Line (that's the place we stay). By the end of the 2km I was feeling quite tired already. The instructor told us to turn in, we walked around the parade square once and guess what he said go outside. I thought we were nearing the end but no. We had to walk around the whole SAFTI compound (about 3km more)... At that point I was seriously demoralized, because I felt almost totally spent but we had more than half to go, and it would definitely be alot worse than the first bit.

After about 200m from the Wing, my fingers were so tired I could barely hold on to the stretcher. So i called for a change, (4 pple can carry the stretcher at one time and we have 8 pple). However no sooner than 50m down another person called for change, and there was quite a lot of changes going on so no choice have to go in and carry again. By that time, my back was straining under the weight of all the things i was carrying, my footsteps heavy and irregular. To cut the long story short it was absolutely exhausting. You cannot imagine the torture of calling for change to rest but in only a few moments someone else tires out and everybody is tired so you have no choice but to go in again. It came to the point that I just decided to hold on to the end. Many times i thought of giving up, the journey just seemed too long, our foot steps seemed to take us no where. But i told myself that with each step i'm one step closer to the end no matter how far it is. It got to the point where I just started praying aloud, singing aloud, speaking in tongues. I told God I need You, I can't bear this any longer.

That was when I thought of Jesus, carrying the cross down that lonely road called Via Dolarosa. On His way to His death. Jesus too bore a burden on His back, but instead of having it spread over 8 pple, He only had Himself to rely on. The load was not a nicely designed stretcher rather a crude rugged cross roughly hewn out by cruel Roman Soldiers. The activities leading up to His walk were not merely navigation exercises rather one of the worst tortures known to men, having whips cut across His back. That's when i understood a bit of the agony that Jesus went through, and I realise the utter desolation and loneliness He must have felt. If I had to do it for something important I might still not have done it, but He didn't do it for Himself, He bore the sins of the world on His own back. I also realised that for Jesus, the perfect man to have needed someone else to help Him with the cross along the way, He must have really exhausted Himself to His limit. I don't believe He would give up otherwise.

That somehow gave me the strength to carry on. Rather than thinking about calling for change, or thinking of how much longer to go, I just focused on taking the next step. Step by step, I told myself that I must shine for God, Christians are supposed to be different, a cut above the rest because we have the Holy Spirit in us so i couldn't let Him down. When we finally reached the end I collapsed due to a cramp in my right hamstring but I was so glad that it was over. I haven't felt that high in a long long while. I was also almost totally exhausted having carried the greatest load yet carrying the stretcher most of the way. I started to thank God for His sacrifice on the cross as I understood in part the tremendous price He had paid to redeem me. I also understood what it means to carry our cross, its not easy the Christian walk, kind of like the long walk around SAFTI, there are level grounds, tiring upslopes and refreshing downslopes. Sometimes you wonder why are you there in the first place, sometimes the road just seems impossible and there is no end in sight to your suffering. As my cell leader likes to say, tough times don't last but tough people do. So whenever your road seems difficult and unbearable, just think of taking the next step, step by step you'll reach the end because everything that has a beginning has to have an end. Like this post which ends now :)

OCS.. to LEAD, to EXCEL, to OVERCOME!

2005-03-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

I was kind of hoping i'd get into OCS, cos that means i'll be a step closer to disrupting NS to do my medical studies at NUS under the Medical Officer Scheme. In order to do that i need to fulfil two requirements to become a medical officer:
1. Qualify for OCS
2. Obtain a place in Medicine in NUS

Well, step 1 complete praise God! I'm glad i made it, when i reported on Monday the 21st of March i was quite excited, but slightly anxious cos everyone was telling me that it will be tough.
My first impression of SAFTI was its size, its quite big with a lot of open spacious. The landscaping and architecture is very pleasant.

It was nice to meet up with some of my BMT platoon mates from Jaguar over there at OCS. I was rather surprised to find myself in the girl Company and girl platoon. I found it rather weird to be doing all the army stuff with girls. They are the ones applying for SAF scholarships or who have chosen to sign on, mostly with the Airforce or Navy. At first i thought it would be quite bothersome, an inconvenience. But it turns out that they are quite competent and "garang" (or enthusiastic and on for the NS lingo illiterate). Quite scary, i was shocked to see them yelling for our platoon to fall-in. However i respect them for being able to keep up, taking in all the push-ups and physical punishment in their stride, without complaining or hesitating. Puts some the guys i know from BMT to shame really.

Asides from that, life is pretty hectic to say the least. This few days has been terribly busy. We barely get a chance to sit down in our bunk even. We have intervals of 5-10 minutes usually to go up to my room ( which happens to be on the 4th level because i'm in the girl platoon... they stay on the highest floor so i have to climb all the way up and down. But who am i to complain if the girls don't mention anything about it...) before falling in for the next programme. So its just run up, change, get my stuff and rush down again. The physical activity is definitely more intense. BMT is slack in comparison. For example after a 4km endurance run, we were made to hang from the chin-up bars 4 pple at a time for as long as we can. The first to drop has to do 50 push-ups, 2nd 40, 3rd 30 and the one who holds the longest goes free. I did 40. After that we were made to do more push-ups this time as a platoon (ie girls included), a total of 60. Switch to crunches, then did 79 after that. My arms were aching right from the very first day already because of chin-ups(this occured on the 3rd by the way). But in a way its nice, at least i know my fitness will improve more than it did in BMT.

The room is very well furnished. There is a bed side table, shelves, cabinets, wardrobes, computer, study desk complete with table lamps. It's all wood, unlike the ugly metal cupboards and bedframes we had back at BMT. All the stuff they issue is like brand new or close to it. Not like the ragged worn out stuff at Tekong. It feels more like a hostel on a university campus than an army camp, if you don't count the punishment and regimentation. We have quite a lot of lectures and lessons. We have computer lessons, its quite cool, the programmes are quite well-planned out. And girls actually make life more interesting, because they different, different ideas and perspectives which add to the diversity within the platoon.

Although its tough I'll stick through it, I believe God will use this time to teach me many things, about leadership, dealing with people, life, perseverance... I just hope that i'll be in a position to receive. I've thought about why I am in OCS, being so tough and all. When i could have easily "act blur" and just become a man and have some slack job. But then again i remember how God hates sluggards and laziness, and i remind myself that i'm doing the right thing. And i shouldn't just do the minimum and get through, rather "whatever thy hand finds to do, do it with all thy might" tough words...

When God Says No

2005-03-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

I've been praying recently about whether to move on in a certain area of my life, quite significant but apparently God prefers me in my current position. It kind of inspired me to write a poem. I got my answer last Saturday the 19th of March, but only had time to write it after I reported to OCS during a Recruitment Talk or something. Here it goes:

When God says no
When God says no
A time of disappointment mixed with confusion
How now shall we go?

It is surely a sign
That there is more we have to surrender
So He can give us better in due time

The way will be clear
That is what His Word says
And of this we can be sure

God does not withhold His best
Because it has already been given
Jesus Christ His own son and nothing less

So when God says no
Utter a prayer of thanks
Grace and mercy He will show

A Level Results

2005-03-05T14:50:00.000+08:00

Before i received my results i didn't dare expect much. Perhaps because i was afraid, throughout JC i did alright but never really exceptionally well. Disappointment is a scary thing, not meeting up to expectations, so to avoid it i didn't raise my expectations. It could be that my prelim results that still haunted me. The shock of receiving C D E E, I never thought i would do that badly. Somehow i imagined the worse case scenario that the actual thing would be the same. I wasn't very serious about my studies in JC, not working as hard as i should have. Doing anything to give me an excuse not to study be it Council or serving in church. In a way i felt i didn't deserve to get good results.

However God is gracious. While on the bus making my way to school, I read about the story of the blind beggar who wanted to receive his sight. I realised that i wanted to do well but i didn't dare ask. So I cried out to God and i believe He heard me. God started to tear away the layers and expose my heart. It was not so much good results that i wanted but rather the glory and recognition that comes with success. Until God can have all the glory, i could have no part of it. This time, if i do well its really God because my effort seemed like too little and far too late. C D E E to 4As? I sure couldn't have done it on my own. Anyway i must decrease while God increase in my life.

This is what i wrote on my personal journal before i got my results:
"I guess nothing is impossible with God, its just whether or not it is in His will to do so. Sometimes we think that God is close-handed and stingy, but thats not what the Bible says of God. He's our father and He knows all our needs. Besides He's already given us His best and that is His Son, for the salvation of our souls. God loves to give good gifts, i only need to ask with a pure heart and not out of selfish desire. God must take all the glory."

Even though when i got to school my class mates were saying that we would all be on stage i found it rather hard to believe. Somewhat like Thomas did 2000 years before. When my name was anounced and it was my turn to shake the Principal's hand i felt a bit ashamed of myself. Not for doing well but rather not trusting in God. 5 distinctions, 4 As and A1 for GP, i couldn't have done any better, literally... Over and over God has assured me and reminded me to trust in Him.

A few weeks before A levels i remember His voice ringing clearly to me during prayer that "see this day i have delivered the A levels into your hands". I knew what that meant but didn't really dare to believe it with all my heart for fear of disappointment. But from there i drew courage to fight my battle even though it seemed like one that was too big for me. I went in to the exam halls there in with the mentality of a battle, fighting it for God and His glory, because my glory was dead with the prelims, dragged through the mud totally disgraced.

A few weeks before the release of the results, Pastor James Singh prayed for me and gave me a word from God. On the 6th of Feb, i'm not sure if i got it all down, but i wrote down as much as i could after the prayer. He told me that "if God is leading me academically then go ahead, i will excel because God has given me a sharp mind that understands things faster than others" This to me means Medicine, because I'm doing my NS now which has very little about it that is academic, and the only way i go back to studying is by qualifying to be a Medical Officer then disrupting to study medicine. God assured me then that He knows my needs and will provide accordingly. And sure enough He has provided and the first step to getting into Medicine is clear.

God is so amazing. He continues to be gracious and give us His best even though we rarely give Him ours. He continues to do His work and patiently lead and guide us on even though we often have doubts and difficulty trusting Him completely. He never gives up on us and brings us slowly, sometimes painfully from glory to glory. All glory be to God Hallelujah!

1st Blog

2005-02-20T09:07:00.000+08:00

I'm just back from camp and i don't have anything inspiring to post at the moment, just created this so i could post a comment on Ian Kwan's blog. Haven't really gotten a hang of this yet so bear with me. I'll be back with more.