Full-time?

I've decided to work in church office everyday till the end of my holidays to help Lovleen out with the Youth Ministry. Its something that has been on my heart, a burden for the youth, but I guess it has been recently been reborn as God restored my passion once again. For a while I feel as though I've been distracted, I lost sight of what God would have me do and got caught up in less significant things. My burden has always been for the youth to leave an impact behind that will last. To avail myself for God to work through me to touch lives that will one day touch other lives, so on and so forth. Yet perhaps in the busyness of studying, tuition, driving lessons, ministry and all the other things I spend my time on, this got lost.

A few weeks ago Ps Suzanne gave a call for those who've lost their fighting spirit, I was one of them. I felt God asking me what happened to the fire in my eyes, the passion I used to have with regard to the things of God. How I would just do anything for Him, that paying the price seemed so insignificant compared to the greatness of the things He has done for me. How I didn't mind giving up other things, counting everything as rubbish compared to the greatness of knowing God. I saw the way some of the leaders went about praying for the youth during the service, and how God ministered through them. I thought to myself, that's where I want to be, what I want to be doing. Yet spiritually, probably because I've slackened a bit, it has cost me my discernment and I don't have that spiritual capacity to minister to people.

It's a refreshing change to be working in Church Office, I feel as though I'm doing something worthwhile with my time. I could be working or I could be at home slacking, but either way I don't think it compares to the value of just offering my time to God. I feel that God has given me all this time for a purpose, and if I were to just waste it working or doing something else, it will be a real pity. Because most of the guys my age that I know are serving NS, while here I am a civillian with a long 3 month break ahead of me. I really feel the need for brothers in the Youth Ministry because its kind of one that is dominated my sisters currently, like Lovleen like 3/4 of the zone leaders. I feel there is so much more that I could give, but I've been holding back, simply because I've forgotten about it. Well, I hope to be able to achieve something within this 3 months, hopefully I'll be able to give, and in the process of giving discover more of God and His plan for my life.

My results are coming out soon on the 4th of May, to me its really uncertain whether or not I can pass my exams. But I'm just trusting God to provide for me what I need. Because if its really His will for me to serve Him, I'd rather not have to study again for a re-exam, so I'm hoping to pass so I can devote my undivided attention and energy to simply serving God rather than studying. Well, its in God's hands.

What to say?

I'm struggling, it just seems as though everything came crashing in all at once. I feel rather pathetic, like somehow everything just seems too big for me to handle. My studies is one, with my first Professional Exam for the degrees of M. B. B. S. coming up, somehow its just so overwhelming, the sheer volume of what I have to study, I feel as though I'm unable to digest it all. My family has been rather trying of late, I will not go into details but you can ask me personally. One of the things is that my Mum and Sis have flown off to Los Angeles for a holiday, while I'm left to run things at home and prepare for my exams alone... My dad flies on and off so sometimes he's home and sometimes he's not.

Ministry has been quite trying also, I guess when everything is placing its demands on you, you feel like there's nothing left to give or offer. But I know I have to carry on regardless, because that is my commitment and responsibility. Somehow sometimes I doubt my ability, I just seem to lack the character and discipline to do what is right. I identify with Paul in Romans about not doing the things that you should be doing and doing the very things you know you shouldn't. But I guess I can't dwell in pity any longer, there's no point in that.

I realise I have let my thoughts be uncontrolled, negative thoughts about myself, condemning and belittling myself by looking at all the areas that I'm so pitifully weak in. Hopeless thoughts as I look at the enormity of the situations facing me. I think until I lost sight of God. In Isaiah 40 it talks about they that hope in the Lord, there's the key word right there. It's all about where my hope lies, I guess the mistake I made starting out this year was that hope was placed in myself, in my talents and abilities. My expectation that I would be the one to bring about change and good things. But I guess God won't allow that sort of thing, pride is a dangerous thing to be holding on to. I feel humbled in all my situations, placed in a corner and shamefully having my weaknesses exposed. Put in the spot where I have no choice but to turn back to God. Even this I've been resisting, somehow I know the right thing to do, but I've been so reluctant in doing it. I've been running away from the issue at hand, trying to escape the pain, rather than yielding to it and allowing God to deal with me once and for all.

Right now life seems tough, I'm really fearing the worst for my exams, I even had thoughts about retaining, like maybe its not so bad after all, I'll get one more year to give to ministry. But it doesn't make sense, if I retain I lose my credibility, what right have I to talk about the things that I've been talking about like being a good testimony in studies and so on. It cannot be, I must face the problem straight on, but somehow I feel I've become less of a man, and running away has been the standard procedure thus far.

God, I really don't know how to carry on from here, I release my life into your hand, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that you hold my tomorrow. Help me to see things as you see them, I admit my perspective is painfully limited and narrow. Lord let me trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Let me discover what it is you are saying and doing through my situations. Oh God I would love to ask you to change my circumstances, but I know that you would prefer that my circumstances change me, and mould me into the man that you've been wanting to make. God help me.

No longer a teenager

Those were the only thoughts I had about turning 20 last Sunday. I guess I don' t really value my birthday all that much, its just another day, nothing special. But I'd like to say thank you to all the people who remembered my birthday in one way or another, I do not take what you've done for granted.

How Serious Are You?

God hit me with this question at Youth+Tertiary Service last saturday. It got me thinking, first of all what am I serious about? Then I came to the realisation that I wasn't really serious about the things that I should be serious about, like my studies, my walk with God, my ministry... My studies is obvious, I haven't really been focussed or putting in effort like I should be. Many times when I should have been studying I was doing something else, like either playing games, or the piano or something just as irrelevant. Also if I was really serious about my walk with God then my prayer life would be at least a solid 30 mins everyday, that's the target I've set for myself but so far its been on and off. I do pray everyday but not for 30 mins. Then my Bible reading, though consistent but I feel as though I don't really dig in to discover more, to go deeper to truly understand and apply it into my life. For ministry, as a cell leader if I was really serious then I wouldn't be so apathetic about my members, especially the stray ones that don't come so often. Like am I really giving my best, going all out to do all that I can for them, for my studies, for God...

I realise that I wasn't really serious at all, I was just doing things half heartedly, when I tried to think of a reason or an explanation for myself I couldn't come up with any. What reason did I have to withhold my best from God and from others? Nothing. I just didn't bother enough to make the effort. I feel as though I could do more, but because I'm wasting my time, I don't do as much as I should. Perhaps also it could be due to the fact that I may be overstretching myself, biting off much more than I can chew. Like spreading myself out too thin, but Jesus was also busy all the time yet He was never in a hurry or at a loss, because He had His priorities in order. I think mine are still a little messy.

I felt that my devotion today was fruitful, I felt close to God, just in my room, enjoying His presence. I've decided to give up XBOXing for good. Many times I make excuses for myself, I try to stop but only half-heartedly. I feel like its about as effective as throwing out an unwanted person from your room but leaving your door slightly ajar, so that person is welcome to just walk right in whenever he wants. But I have to cut it off for good, it has become a crutch, something I depend on, maybe even a god to me in someways that I worship, in the sense of it occupying my thoughts, my time. Stealing the best of my energy and focus away from God. So it has to go. I felt convicted by Galatians 5:24, it spoke to me a few days ago and I made it a point to memorise it because I felt it was quite powerful. "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." That means now that I belong to Jesus, I shouldn't be desiring these things anymore. I have to give them up. Allow God to fill the emptiness in my life rather than turning to things to satisfy me.

God help me to lead a consecrated life unto you, one that is undefiled by the things of the world, let me be truly set apart for your purposes and your glory. Amen.

Haven't written in a while

I apologise for the long wait to whoever frequents this blog. I haven't been blogging for two reasons, the first is busyness, the second laziness. Well, up till now I've been busy with driving lessons in preparation for my first test last Friday at CDC at Ubi, of which I failed unfortunately. Which was quite a shock to me because I actually thought that I did quite well, I thought I passed all the way until my tester showed me my test sheet. I got assaulted with a barrage of errors till my total score added up to 36 (you need 18 or less to pass). I felt it was rather unfair, because somethings were graded rather severely for something I felt that wasn't very serious. But I heard from many people that the tester I got was like that, he gives almost everyone above 30 points, so I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I draw comfort from Job who says, shall we accept only good things from God and not trouble in response to his wife's folly in asking him to curse God and die. Although my suffering or rather disappointment is no where nearly as profound as his, I feel like I'm in a similar situation, when bad things happen to good people. Part of the disappointment came from the fact that I did all I could to pass, I practiced a lot, the actual test was quite good, I didn't stall the engine even once, yet somehow it wasn't good enough.

But I guess beyond the disappointment God has a bigger plan for it all, though I may not see it yet. I was really hoping to be able to start driving around, but sadly I'll have to wait till may to try again, even then its not confirm, hopefully I'll get a good tester this time. But it means I'll have to devote yet more time and money into trying to pass the driving test which I feel is rather ambiguous due to the subjectivity of the test criteria.

Somehow I've just been feeling drained day in day out. Like I've got no room to breathe or have space. There seem to be endless things to be done for some reason, or perhaps I'm just not managing my time properly. Whatever it is, I just look forward to two weeks from now once my CAs are over. It will not be the end of everything but at least I'll be able to have more time to study and prepare for my final exam in April. I'd like to write more, but I currently suffer from mal-inspiration. Till the next time.

Waking up is a struggle

Every morning I face the battle of the blanket, whether to get out or to stay in for a little while longer. My alarm clock promptly sounds at 6.10 am, however my body clock says otherwise, somehow I think it runs a little differently, because my body simply refuses to wake up. I just groan and wish I could spend an hour or two more of blissful sleep and rest, rather than to face the rigours and routines of another day. As I think about this it puzzles me, why do I have so much trouble waking up in the morning? Is it something that hard to do? I guess perhaps its an issue of purpose, I remember during the youth camp, I had no trouble waking up as a tiring and compact the schedule was because I knew I had a job to do and I couldn't afford to just lie around in bed. For me now, with my current schedule, its packed to the brim, just take a look at my diary and you'll have a pretty good idea of how tight it is. I barely have time for myself, to just take a break or relax. But still I know it's the right thing to do because the time spent on myself is wasted. Not that my flesh is happy about it though.

Being busy has its own dangers though, I'm afraid that I'll just get so busy serving and doing things that I might forget why I started doing all those things in the first place, thus falling into disillusionment and despair. Maybe in some ways my vision is not firmly set upon God, my gaze is not steadily fixed on Jesus. Serving if not done out of a right heart can become a distraction sometimes. I guess its all a balancing act, managing first of all my own personal walk and relationship with God and also my ministry and duties. I still find it difficult to study, like I don't have much motivation, though I like what I study, it can be a little monotonous sometimes. It's amazing how the Apostle Paul can say that whether we eat or drink let us do it all for the glory of God. That is quite a feat, of which I feel I'm quite far off the mark. Many times I just want to do things for myself rather than for God. And this is where the greatest battle resides, whether we choose to follow our own fleshly desires and seek after our own comfort or to surrender our will and rights to God and let Him choose how our life is run.

God let me surrender all to you, that I may have the strength to wake up each day knowing that your mercies are new every morning and look forward to all that you have in store for me.

2006 a year of challenge

I haven't blogged in quite a while now because I've been rather busy. And indeed I foresee 2006 being a year where I'll be stretched quite a lot. First of all there's my studies to deal with. My first professional MBBS Exam will be coming up around April. I've started to give tuition to two P5 Students, 2 hours each per week, coming up to a total of 4 hours a week. This is to earn money to pay for the mission trip that I will be participating in from my church Youth and Tertiary Ministry to the Philippines in June. The mission trip will be quite exciting and I'm looking forward to it. Yet I know it is something that I must be prepared for, if I am to be of any help there, I really don't want to go there as a dead weight and be a burden to the rest of the team. But I'm excited about what God is going to do, I believe missions are really exciting, because you start to witness first hand, God working right before your eyes, performing miracles, you get to see lives being touched by your ministry. Its something that I don't want to miss since I've been given a chance to go.

Then there is my ministry, I've now been made a training cell leader for West 2. Now that Ming Zhu (my previous cell leader) has been promoted to be the Zone Leader for the North Zone in my youth ministry. Its really a challenge because its never easy to lead, to pour your life out to your members and carry a burden for them. But I believe God wants to train me to have a heart for them, because in the administration and organisational part of leadership I'd like to think that I have no trouble, but when it comes to the relational, the softer aspect of it that's where I need a lot more practice. There's also the difficulty of balance, knowing how to be firm yet at the same time gentle, to be patient yet not tolerating procastination and all these seemingly conflicting values that you just have to find the right mix of in order to be a good leader. Not to mean that I'm not excited about this new role that I have, because I think my cell group now is really a promising one with a lot of potential to grow, and it is my desire to see each of them reach their full potential in God and in other aspects of their life, so that they can be a blessing to the church, their school and family.

Oh I've been re-elected to take charge of the Youth+Tertiary Combined Camp at the end of this year. Just when I thought the whole youth camp thing was wrapped up and over, here it comes once again for the second year running, complete with a brand new set of challenges and difficulties though not without its accompanying opportunity. For one the age range will be quite diverse possibly spanning 10 years or more, from P6 to University students. Then the usual things like finding a good place to hold the camp, working within the budget so on and so forth. But I guess I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a second go at it, that whatever mistakes I've made in the previous camp I know to avoid for this coming one and also to improve upon the level that I've achieved previously. For example spiritually, I think its not too much to ask for God to touch our ministries to see wide spread revival and fire coming back to our young people. Last year we had a bit, like pockets of it, but this year I'm praying, believing and expecting more from God. There's a price to be paid, and I'm hoping that I and the team alongside me will be daring enough to pay that price. To pray and fast and commit ourselves to seeing a powerful move of God.

The year has barely started and yet I find myself laden with so much commitment already. That's pretty much the bulk of it stated up there, but then there are other things I want to work on, like training up a new bassist for the church, Donovan. Also building on my peer relationships with various brothers in the church. This year with all the stretching I expect to see much personal growth as well, especially spiritually. I feel that last year I took a detour half way, and had to go one big round before eventually returning to God. This year I hope to be focussed, that my heart and my mind are fully set on God, that I can be as Paul described, considering everything else rubbish. I have a tendency to be distracted, to get involved in things that don't really matter. One of which is my XBOX, which for now rests safely in the hands of my Zone Leader Shu Jun, I really need to get away from it. Now and then I struggle, like there is a bit of a gap in my heart, the place where it once resided, but it shouldn't be there in the first place. Although I think I'm coping well without it.

Now also as I grow older, somehow the need for companionship and acceptance in finding a life partner seems to become more real. I'll be hitting the big 2 this year, no longer a teen anymore, although I'm not exactly very old, but neither am I a kid, and I guess physically, emotionally and mentally I'm starting to turn into an adult. Not that I'm totally prepared for a relationship, not just yet anyway, I think I'm still too unstable. Like how my feelings fluctuate rather rapidly, feeling attracted to one person for awhile, then somehow switching to another person in a short span of time, or sometimes several at once. Although my feelings are unstable my actions certainly aren't, and I'm still determined to be clear about my bounderies especially with girls, I think its unfair if I lead them on when I'm not prepared to bear the full responsibility and commitment. Perhaps I've become lax in my thoughts, allowing them to run rampant. So there was one morning after speaking with my ex-cell leader, that I just decided to forget about it. To let God take care of things in His own way and to just focus on the things that are at hand and are important. Things like my studies, my ministry and my friends. Actually if I bother to step out a little and take stock of my life, I don't think I can really afford to fork out the commitment, the time and energy needed to maintain a healthy relationship. So as of now these things will have to wait.

I guess waiting is something that nobody finds pleasant. There are times where I wrestly with God, sometimes demanding an answer from Him, and when I find He is not offering one, I'm tempted to just go on ahead without Him. I think many of us face this temptation to run ahead of God. Like, "God tell me NOW! If you don't tell me, I'll just pick celibacy and go on ahead rather than waiting here in this place of uncertainty so that I can hear an answer from you." I used to toy with the idea of Celibacy as a life decision, but I've kind of come to the conclusion that its not for me. Not at my current level, if God suddenly transforms me and burns within me a desire for Him and Him alone then things would be different. And God has assured me that He's got it covered, the person whom I am to marry. I believe God has spoken that He will provide, like at a point where I felt the need very strong one morning on the bus, He spoke to me through Psalms 128, that your wife will be like a fruitful vine . . . this is how the man who fears the Lord will be blessed. So my train of thought went something like, I think I fear the Lord, but how is my wife going to be like a fruitful vine if I'm not even married in the first place?! It was rather timely because I was following a commitment to read 3 Psalms a day, during the period from November to December, and that Psalm happened to be on the day that I was feeling lonely. So God really does speak through His word!

Anyway whatever comes this year I want to grow closer with God. Like every year I have the desire to learn to hear God's voice. And like winning a championship title, I can only achieve that in short bursts. Keeping with the same analogy, staying in that place where I am sensitive to God takes a lot of hard work and commitment. Often times our senses are dulled when we indulge in the things of the world. Even John says how can we be friends of the world and friends with God at the same time? Don't we know that friendship with the world means enmity with God? I guess it all comes together, reading the Bible, hearing from God, worsipping, praying. They come as a set, you can't have one at the expense of the other it just doesn't work that way. And of the above I think praying is the hardest because it involves the discipline of the mind. When you are not pre-occupied with anything the natural thing for the mind to do is wander, but to be able to stay focussed in prayer is a feat I've yet to achieve. I believe it comes with discipline and practice, but as of today I have yet to be truly consistent in my walk with God involving every aspect of my life.

I need to learn to surrender and to make Him Lord over everything, there is no other way. The part of me that desires to have its own way must die. A servant can only have one master and I know who my rightful master should be, yet other masters come and tempt me and woo me with all sorts of empty yet attractive promises. I'm reminded of the Snow Queen in Narnia who offers (oh no I can't remember the younger brothers name) Edwin (or whatever his name is) anything he wants in exchange for his brothers and sisters. But when he goes there in search of her, all he finds is the pain of betrayal as he lies bound in chains within a dungeon cell. I can't even begin to recall the countless times I've felt like I was in his shoes, running after some attractive thing which promises satisfaction and fulfilment only to discover more emptiness and pain. Only God has the answer, and to Him alone must I seek and bow to, in this coming year, I believe that is the greatest challenge, even serving and ministry can be a distraction.

Reflections on 2005

I was just eating some ice-cream from the provision shop down the road from my house the other day. Nothing fancy, just an orange flavoured popsicle like the ones I used to enjoy from my childhood. When I looked at it, I realised I didn't recognise the brand, "Gotcha". Upon closer inspection I realised I didn't recognise any of the other brands as well. What happened to the good old ice-creams that I grew up with, brands like paddle-pop, eskimo pie... Somehow when you're a child, you can never imagine the world before you or after you. The world must have started as I entered the world, how could have there been things before me? I just don't remember them so they cannot have existed. Yet somethings that we thought to have been permanent and will remain permanent, and couldn't have imagined to be any other way sadly don't stay the same. Who'd think that in a short span of 10 years or so, so much would have changed?

Anyways, some random musings aside, 2005 has been quite an eventful year for me. First enlisting into the SAF as a recruit in BMTC School 1 Jaguar Company into Platoon 1 Section 2 Bed 3 (the numbers 123 incidentally coinciding with my birthday 12/3 or 12th March) on the 6th of January 2005 Thursday. It still remains quite clear in my memory, it seems so long ago almost like in another year, yet I remember it as though it was only a week ago. The very first sleepless night, the waking up the next morning thinking "this is how its going to be for another 2 long years" Which seemed a very long time from that vantage point.

BMT ended alot sooner than I'd thought it would, the days somehow seemed to pass by, the struggles that I had seem irrelevant and I only remember the good times, how it was so much more relaxed than OCS, though at that time I wouldn't have described my life as being relaxed. Two weeks of block leave then came my posting, and yes I made it into OCS, the place I'd aimed to go since the beginning. It was tough in OCS, I really dreaded going back to camp. There was a lot of pressure on you to perform, in your skills, in your knowledge, through the various tests and homework. The days really slowed to a crawl while I was there. While this was going on I'd received my A level results in March, while I was in BMT, and I did much better than I thought I would getting a total of 5 distinctions 4 As and an A1 for GP. I was also applying to NUS Medicine, the route to the occupation that I've always dreamed of since young. It was quite an uncertain time, I really didn't want to spend 1 and a half more years in the army as a cadet and then an officer. I wasn't entirely sure whether I'd make it into medicine, although I banked everything on it, not having a back-up plan, because by faith I took it that God wanted me to be there. And if God says yes who can say no right?

Thank God I was right, I made it into OCS and in a matter of weeks I was out of the army, free to do whatever I desired for slightly more than a month before I started my course in the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine in NUS. I came out with high expectations though not really high hopes. There were a lot of things I wanted to do. But in the end, I achieved much less than I would have liked. Somehow in army, especially in OCS, I lost my hope and my dreams and my passion for God. Life became meaningless, it was just living one day after another, it was tough living without anything to look forward to. Except maybe for disruption, freedom from the system. But once that freedom came, sadly I abused it, wasted on my flesh most of my days were spent infront of the television, throwing hours upon hours down the drain as I desperately tried to find some scraps of satisfaction from my XBOX, in the end making me more miserable than when I started. Because one game isn't enough, after completing 7 or 8 games you start to see a pattern. It just isn't enough to satisfy me. This is one of my regrets that all that time that could have been put to good use were recklessly handled and thus lost.

I started school around August, it was fun and interesting at first. Much better than being in army, well I guess most places are better than the army. But then after a while it got boring and routine. Then I had trouble waking up in the morning, I had to drag myself to school everyday. Spiritually I was still quite dry, though not as bad as before school started. I think somehow my priorities were still not quite right, I was still bent at somehow satisfying myself apart from God.

But then came the camp, and I think it put certain things in place, I play less XBOX now, I spend more time with people. Trying to serve more in the youth ministry and be like an older brother and more available to the younger ones. However I realise how easy it is to get lost in serving and forget about my relationship with God. I'm always out almost everyday, like there is no one day where I spend completely at home, this probably being the first in a long time. And I'm always shaken by this verse from Matthew 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven ... many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name... Then I will tell them 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers" Its scary because these were not pagans that Jesus were talking about. These were probably people who were well respected in the church, who may have been faithfully serving God. But the thing that they lacked was their relationship, because Jesus said "I never knew you". That is a scary thought, we may spend our whole life, doing God's work, that and nothing else. And in the end God will say "away from me" because we failed on the first and most important commandment, "love the Lord your God with all your heart"

Well I hope in the coming year, I won't be so overwhelmed with serving that I forget to spend time with God. It's so easy to fall in the Martha Syndrome, that we may even despise the "Mary"s who are around us. One thing that I've always wanted but never quite achieved was to be so sensitive to God that I can hear audibly His voice speaking to me. That my walk with God is so intimate that my ears are well tuned to his finest whispers. Such that when I pray for people, I'm not just praying anyhow, but I can really place myself in God's shoes so to speak and pray His will for that person. But I know that there is a price to pay, being Singaporean, patience is not an attribute that comes easy. I'd rather rush off and do a million and one things than to discipline myself to pray. Yet that is what is required. Sigh, I've got a long way to go to be a man of God, and there are so many other more attractive things out there, yet... in the end, that is the thing that will matter the most for eternity. God help me to make the right choices with my life and the way I spend my time.

NRIC Youth Camp 05 

God is AMAZING!

There's no words to really describe Him. He is just beyond us, Isaiah puts in quite simply, His thoughts are higher than ours, His ways are higher than ours. We cannot even begin to comprehend him, like an ant cannot even begin to understand the ways of humans. Yet He makes Himself known to us. Slowly, patiently, bit by bit He draws us closer to Himself, He reveals His nature to us, through creation, through His word, through people.

The camp just ended last week, it was from the 5th to 8th of December 2005. NRIC (standing for Now Risen in Christ) It was quite a powerful camp for me, being the only one I attended this year, having missed the church camp because I was still in OCS at that time. Of course it was pretty hectic in the days leading to the camp, because I was the Asst. Camp Commandant and we had many many last minute arrangements and things to settle. Also I was playing for the Rally which was on the last day of the camp, so rehearsals took another toll on my time and energy. Last but not least came my exams, my first CA also on the week before the camp. It was quite a stretching time but I thank God for His marvelous strength and provision. I was expecting to fall sick or break down somehow but God brought me through it. It's was amazing that nothing went wrong during the camp, at least nothing major anyhow, we had a few minor hiccups and that was it. I'm so thankful that God decided to show up at the camp and touch the lives of the members in the youth ministry. A lot of people were ministered to, especially the youngest, the P6s many of them who received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. All of our work and our preparation would have come to naught if God hadn't come, because then it wouldn't be a youth camp anymore, it would just be a fun camp and there's no power in that.

With all these things going on, I wasn't expecting to do all that well for my exams, I mean everyone in Medicine seemed to be mugging pretty hard, while a great chunk of my time was spent in church doing stuff in preparation of the camp, in meetings, rehearsals and so on. I thought it was quite a hopeless situation because I really felt unprepared, but God is faithful, and will honour us when we decide to honour Him by putting Him first. I did much better than quite a few of my peers, many of whom I thought would easily outdo me, truly by the grace of God. There were little miracles like for Biochemistry, I decided to study Histology (the study of microscopy slides and like the finer details of cells and small stuff) which was actually quite a small topic. Well that's why I chose it because I felt too lazy to study the major chapters like all the different metabolic processes, carbohydrate, fats, proteins, nucleic acids. To my surprise, a large proportion of questions tested on histology. Thus allowing me to pass a subject which I was already prepared to fail, Biochemistry being the weakest of my three modules. For anatomy also I scored quite high 83%, much better than I expected, also putting me above average on the bell curve (the department always comes up with a graph of the results like how many people got 50%, 60%, 70 and so on...

Right from the first service I felt God move. Perhaps the busyness before the camp really was the grace of God. Allowing me to empty myself of all distractions, because I simply had no time to do anything else that would jeopardise my walk with God. So when I came to the camp I felt really empty, like I had been giving and giving, and no time to take anything back. That's when I felt God's presence begin to fill me. I started to feel my hunger and my desire ignite like a fire that bursts out of the ground after it has been hidden for a long time. I haven't really felt hungry for God in quite a while, because this year I found many things to fulfill me outside of God. So it is like junk food that destroys your appetite for good wholesome food. And similarly I never really got down to crying out for God, because I didn't feel the need as strongly as I feel now. Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit for their is the kingdom of God. Its not really so much about physical poverty as spiritual. That means within you, you really have nothing. There's nothing that you turn to for spiritual fulfillment, and when you come in that empty pathetic state, God will give you all that is in His kingdom!

I also felt quite ministered to by Pastor David Molyneux from PlanetShakers Australia. He gave me a very personal word from God. He told me various things, not all of which I'll be sharing here, but the one that spoke to me most was about my character matching my giftings. Which was actually what I told my cell leader only a week earlier, that I know that I'm some one who has been greatly blessed with many gifts and talents, yet I feel that it is not enough. No point having so much gifting if you don't have any character to support it all. You'll probably end up like Enron or any of those other big scandals because the people involved were talented thus progressing very high up the coorporate ladder yet lacking integrity causing them to fall all the way. So I really felt lousy about myself knowing that I lack the thing of utmost importance which is character. Another thing I felt speaking to me was when we were singing rain down. At this line "in your presence I am free" I began to cry because I felt that God was releasing me from my bondages and strongholds. In my mind I saw myself tied to a wall, covered in chains and shackles, beaten and bruised. The cruel iron cutting into my flesh as I was being held there agianst my will. Struggling was fruitless at best, painful at worst. I simply could not get myself out of the mess I had gotten myself into. Addiction to computer games, the lusts of the flesh, all of these were holding me trapped, preventing me from progressing further with my walk with God. Until Jesus showed up, dressed in brilliant white, He came up to me face to face. As I timidly looked into His eyes I saw not condemnation nor accusation, for I knew I was guilty and had no one to blame but myself. Yet His eyes were filled with compassion, He felt for my pain and agony. He lifted one hand to touch my chains and they all fell off effortlessly. I was free! Then He said "follow me". I truly felt free, like these things no longer have any hold in my life. That's where I committed myself never to turn back to computer games or other worldly entertainment to fulfill me, I wanted to have God fill me again. So that I can be sensitive to Him and His voice, that when I so desire I can hear Him speaking into my situation instead of having different images and fleshly desires clouding my mind. And that when I pray, I can be so in line with God's will that my prayers will always hit the mark instead of flying off wildly all over the shop.

However the challenge comes not during the camp but with how you spend your time after the camp. Consistency and perseverance is not needed in the camp, because the circumstances are ideal, you are separate from your old life at home, you're surrounded with godly people and have a constant input of godly stuff. Most people survive one week, maybe a month at the level they reached during the camp, but then quickly fall back to their old ways. This time I'm hoping and trusting God that it will be different, because I've been changed. That how I spend my time, my priorities will be set properly in order. That pleasing and serving God must be my greatest desire followed next by meeting the needs of other people. I feel that God is preparing me to do something much greater for Him, and if I fall out now, it'll probably be another long 40 years like the Israelites in the desert, having to go one big round because I failed to enter into God's promise. I guess this is it, now or never. Make or break. God I'm coming with you.